Eat Your Words

My waitress' ass cheeks were hanging out of her tiny shorts...of course I thought she did this on purpose to get more tips so I commented on it. She had no idea and I'm pretty sure my food tasted like spit.

Chicago, IL

Saturday Stroll

I could see my neighbor walking naked around his apartment. It's 3:15 on a Saturday afternoon. Why not walk around naked with the windows wide open on a nice sunny day?

Buena Park, IL

Bizarre Foods

I think my first mistake was going to Red Lobster hungover. But I would never expect the super old hostess say to me "oh you just touch the lobsters in tank. I just LOVE it when young people touch my lobsters." What does that even mean?

Skokie, IL

Who's The Boss

You're my manager. I don't want to hear about the insane times you have had in European brothels. Try not paying for sex sometime.

Chicago, IL

The Graduate

Working high school gradation parties are supposed to be fun, not a time for the father of the graduate to hit on his daughter's hot, jail bait friends. Keep that in mind, Mr. *******.

Chicago, IL

Hawaiian Five-0

I walked into the bathroom with a single light bulb flickering, a drunk Mexican worker zipping up his pants smiling at me, everything soaking wet, and as he passed by me he patted me on the shoulder saying "mahalo." I think that's Hawaiian for "rimjob."

Chicago, IL

Doctor's Orders

I knew it was bad when my doctor said I needed to lose weight, but when he told me I needed to get a girlfriend too, I felt like he kicked me while I was down. His reasoning: "you know, she'll make you a salad, take you on a walk, and if you're lucky, give you a good blowjob...there's no such thing as a bad blowjob, am I right?" Great advice, doc.

Farmington Hills, MI

What Nice Feet You Have

Dude on the subway came up to a girl I was with and said what beautiful feet she had. Before we could react, he leaned over and started stroking her feet and commenting on how he liked one better than the other.

Buffalo, New York

What. A. BRO!

My roommate was joking with me about having sex in my bed while I wasn't home. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I have had sex on both couches in the living room while he wasn't home more times than I can count.

St. Louis, MO

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

I was too drunk to even hear what she was saying, but it didn't make it any better when I intentionally told her that I wasn't listening to her but instead staring directly at her boobs.

Chicago, IL

Welp, See Ya Later

I tried not to creep on my manager tonight, but I did. After a few drinks I put my hand on the small of her back to tell her as I was leaving and she immediately grabbed it, moved it in front of her, and gave me the strongest handshake I've ever had in my life. Tomorrow won't be fun.

Royal Oak, MI

Honeymooner

I told you I was married so you kept asking me how my honeymoon was for a half hour and winked at me every time. I got the picture. Just shut the fuck up.

Chicago, IL

Jersey Bro

Never refer to yourself as "The Situation's Brother" ever again--you already look like a tool, naming yourself doesn't help.

Chicago, IL

Humpelstiltskin

There's nothing like trying to teach my dog how to hump especially when I realize my blinds are open and my neighbors are walking by watching me.

Chicago, IL

Young At Heart

My Grandpa asked me if I could buy him the SI Swimsuit edition because he said it made him "excited again." Of course, I had to.

Southgate, FL

Sneak A Peek

We only have one bathroom at work. I walked in on the secretary peeing because the door was cracked a little and I didn't think anyone was in there. I think we're both scarred for life.

Chicago, IL

Sippy Cup

My boss went down in our store basement and brought me back a cup of apple juice. He asked if I wanted any and when I said "no" he then proceeded to set it on my desk and told me to drink it because it had something special in it. I tried not to notice, but he called me out and made me take a sip--it supposedly was laced with mint, but I still don't trust that bastard.

Chicago, IL

Chat Roulette

My friend told me to check out the new website chat roulette which connects you with randoms through web cam. First person I meet was a a hairy penis. Second person I meet was a naked man, third person was an obese man trying to give himself oral.

Thank you Chatroulette.com for providing a place for all the people in The CreepBook a place to hang out in their free time.

Everywhere, World

ps to my friend that said the website was "awesome", put on some clothes and walk away from the web cam.

Red Rocket Roommate

I just walked into the room and saw my roommate trying to give our 8 week old puppy a red-rocket. He saw nothing wrong.

Chicago, IL

The Countdown Is On

You: "Dude, today is Dakota Fanning's sweet 16th. That's 2 more years of my graphic imagination."

Chicago, IL