Bizarre Foods

I think my first mistake was going to Red Lobster hungover. But I would never expect the super old hostess say to me "oh you just touch the lobsters in tank. I just LOVE it when young people touch my lobsters." What does that even mean?

Skokie, IL

Young At Heart

My Grandpa asked me if I could buy him the SI Swimsuit edition because he said it made him "excited again." Of course, I had to.

Southgate, FL

Old Man at Uncle Dan's

Stop caressing my shoulder. I just want a new coat and you smell like a car wash.

Chicago, IL

Grandpa In Heaven

I was at the gym when I saw a really old man just sitting on the couch staring at people working out. I was so intrigued that I sat down near him while I tied my shoes when he immediately said to me, "will you look at that? Ho-ly smokes" as he was pointing to girl with huge boobs running on the treadmill. He never took his eyes off of her. I love that man.

Evanston, IL

Tiger Tiger Woods Y'All

You tried to pick me up by telling me that your kids go to the same elementary school that I did and then asked for my phone number. When I said "no, sorry, you're married" (not to mention old and creepy) you responded "Damn. Tiger Woods has totally ruined my game."

Royal Oak, MI

Lockerroom Buddies

I was sitting in the sauna in between two very fat, very sweaty, very old men. They started talking about how great their weekend was because they had sex with their wives. I immediately ran out thinking I escaped the horror, but they left right after me and talked about it the whole time while they showered. Shame on you, old people.

Chicago, IL

Lady of the Night?

My grandpa called my sister a "lady of the night" when he saw what she was wearing before going to the bars. There's just something about my grandfather thinking about prostitutes and equating them to his oldest granddaughter that doesn't sit well with me. Now I can't stop myself from thinking about him thinking about prostitutes whenever I see him. He started a vicious cycle.

Chicago, IL

Qwest Manager

You told us we should treat the credit card slot as if it were a girl and "have a gentle touch." Then you topped it off with: "I will come over if you have troubles. I have a gentle touch. These hands know how to treat a man...trust me." NOT OK! You are a 50 year old lady talking to 8 frat guys. I'll dragon slay somewhere else, thanks.

Omaha, NE

Friend at Family Dinner

When I invited you over for a family dinner, I didn't expect you to creep on my sister all night. Seriously, you didn't stop talking to her the entire night so much that my grandmother even asked me if you mentally stable.

Chicago, IL

Body Shots at Mt. Chalet

You've gotta be at least 50 and you're doing body shots at a neighborhood bar. Not only did the bartenders and everyone in the bar hate you before you started doing body shots, but when you tried to get off the table, you spilled shit everywhere and got kicked out because of it. Well done trying to fight the bouncers.

Birmingham, MI

Airport Screener

Why were you security screening that super old woman? She was like 102 and about to die. You looked so happy smiling and eyeing her as you patted her down. Gross.

Chicago, IL

Dolly

We were simply trying to get a case of beer to drink on a lovely Sunday afternoon when you approached us if we knew how to make a "Salty Dog" in the grocery store. No one knew what the fuck you were talking about, yet you then proceeded to tell us how to make it while adding various remarks about your failed marriages and how your husband ran off with his little "tricky." What the hell kind of people are breeding in Omaha? And no, I don't want to come to the bar in your basement to drink my beer.

Omaha, NE

Fr. Joe

I think you're a great guy, you know, being a retired priest and all...but when you're offered wine at dinner, don't try to politely decline it by saying it's cause red wine makes you horny. There's so much wrong with that. SO much.

West Palm Beach, FL

Two-Fingers McAndrew

I had a computer teacher in elementary school that only had 2 fingers on one of his hands. He swore he could type faster than any of us 4th graders with 7 fingers than we could with our 10. I never saw him type. I only remember him resting his mangled hand on the girls' shoulders and saying, "well, young lady, you're lookin' mighty fine today." Fast forward to today -- he's brought up on abuse charges. How ironic I'm typing this now, and he's in jail.

Bloomfield Hills, MI

Old Man Outside of Victoria's Secret

You were just standing and staring at the mannequins wearing lingerie. I'm so glad you're not my grandpa.

Chicago, IL