Eat Your Words

My waitress' ass cheeks were hanging out of her tiny shorts...of course I thought she did this on purpose to get more tips so I commented on it. She had no idea and I'm pretty sure my food tasted like spit.

Chicago, IL

Hawaiian Five-0

I walked into the bathroom with a single light bulb flickering, a drunk Mexican worker zipping up his pants smiling at me, everything soaking wet, and as he passed by me he patted me on the shoulder saying "mahalo." I think that's Hawaiian for "rimjob."

Chicago, IL

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

I was too drunk to even hear what she was saying, but it didn't make it any better when I intentionally told her that I wasn't listening to her but instead staring directly at her boobs.

Chicago, IL

Welp, See Ya Later

I tried not to creep on my manager tonight, but I did. After a few drinks I put my hand on the small of her back to tell her as I was leaving and she immediately grabbed it, moved it in front of her, and gave me the strongest handshake I've ever had in my life. Tomorrow won't be fun.

Royal Oak, MI

Honeymooner

I told you I was married so you kept asking me how my honeymoon was for a half hour and winked at me every time. I got the picture. Just shut the fuck up.

Chicago, IL

Jersey Bro

Never refer to yourself as "The Situation's Brother" ever again--you already look like a tool, naming yourself doesn't help.

Chicago, IL

Shot Caller

I can always appreciate a guy buying me a shot. But just because it's a blow job shot doesn't mean I'm going to blow you. Nice try.

Chicago, IL

No Nips

You're so fat and gross. No, I don't want to see your nipple ring. I'll take your word for it and walk away from you.

Chicago, IL

Snookie Lookin'

You tried running your fat sausage fingers through my hair and you looked like Snookie got hit by a bus. There's no way I'm ever going to buy you a drink.

Pontiac, MI

All The Single People

Guy at Enclave: "Baby, you know the only way you and I will be single tonight is when we get together and become one." You are the lamest greaseball on the planet.

Chicago, IL

Valentine's Day Friend

You sat next to me at the bar while I ordered a drink and offered to be my valentine. When I said no, you then just asked me if I wanted to fuck. Happy Valentine's Day to me.

Chicago, IL

Tool At Big City Tap

Seriously? A quote from 'American Pie'? You: "They call me 'Nova...as in Casanova..." I'm beyond words.

Chicago, IL

Lovin' The Smell

The bathroom attendant to me: "Man, I wish I could be in the ladies' room instead. There be lookin' at some fine ass tail in here tonight. I don't even care about if they take a doo-doo and stink up the place. It'd be fine ass hell for me." You can't even make that shit up.

Chicago, IL

Sniff Test

He smelled me and I knew it. I couldn't turn around though because then I had to face him once again.

Royal Oak, MI

"Joey Greco Is My Uncle"

Words of wisdom next time you're at a bar: don't try to pick me up by talking about "Cheaters." I'm supposed to be impressed your uncle is the host? Nice try.

Toledo, OH

Babysitter's Club

Just because you knew me when we were little doesn't mean we're friends now. Plus, when my little sister came up to us you said "Oooh and who might this be?" You babysat for us.

Pittsburgh, PA

Happy New Year?

You whispered "Happy New Year" in my ear and tried to kiss me. Who the fuck are you?

Chicago, IL

Piano (Wo)Man

Really? You play piano? Yeah, I get the picture. You don't have to tell me that your "good with your hands." Ray Charles wouldn't even hook up with you.

Chicago, IL

Santa's Lap

No, I won't sit on your lap. Stop trying to tell people at the bar you look like Santa just because you're fat and have a beard.

Royal Oak, MI

Party In the USA

You: "There's nothing better than grinding on random chicks to Miley Cyrus songs. I don't care if she's like 16 or something--she's hot dude. She's the only one I'm thinking of when"Party in the USA" comes on at the bar.

Chicago, IL