Eat Your Words

My waitress' ass cheeks were hanging out of her tiny shorts...of course I thought she did this on purpose to get more tips so I commented on it. She had no idea and I'm pretty sure my food tasted like spit.

Chicago, IL

Who's The Boss

You're my manager. I don't want to hear about the insane times you have had in European brothels. Try not paying for sex sometime.

Chicago, IL

The Graduate

Working high school gradation parties are supposed to be fun, not a time for the father of the graduate to hit on his daughter's hot, jail bait friends. Keep that in mind, Mr. *******.

Chicago, IL

Hawaiian Five-0

I walked into the bathroom with a single light bulb flickering, a drunk Mexican worker zipping up his pants smiling at me, everything soaking wet, and as he passed by me he patted me on the shoulder saying "mahalo." I think that's Hawaiian for "rimjob."

Chicago, IL

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

I was too drunk to even hear what she was saying, but it didn't make it any better when I intentionally told her that I wasn't listening to her but instead staring directly at her boobs.

Chicago, IL

Honeymooner

I told you I was married so you kept asking me how my honeymoon was for a half hour and winked at me every time. I got the picture. Just shut the fuck up.

Chicago, IL

Jersey Bro

Never refer to yourself as "The Situation's Brother" ever again--you already look like a tool, naming yourself doesn't help.

Chicago, IL

Humpelstiltskin

There's nothing like trying to teach my dog how to hump especially when I realize my blinds are open and my neighbors are walking by watching me.

Chicago, IL

Sneak A Peek

We only have one bathroom at work. I walked in on the secretary peeing because the door was cracked a little and I didn't think anyone was in there. I think we're both scarred for life.

Chicago, IL

Sippy Cup

My boss went down in our store basement and brought me back a cup of apple juice. He asked if I wanted any and when I said "no" he then proceeded to set it on my desk and told me to drink it because it had something special in it. I tried not to notice, but he called me out and made me take a sip--it supposedly was laced with mint, but I still don't trust that bastard.

Chicago, IL

Red Rocket Roommate

I just walked into the room and saw my roommate trying to give our 8 week old puppy a red-rocket. He saw nothing wrong.

Chicago, IL

The Countdown Is On

You: "Dude, today is Dakota Fanning's sweet 16th. That's 2 more years of my graphic imagination."

Chicago, IL

Snowman Lookin' For Love

Overheard on the L: "Man, I need to get me a girl to be my snow bunny so we can fuck like rabbits on these cold winter nights."

Chicago, IL

Shot Caller

I can always appreciate a guy buying me a shot. But just because it's a blow job shot doesn't mean I'm going to blow you. Nice try.

Chicago, IL

Textcapades

I know when you're wasted because you always text me the same thing: "heyyy :0 your open mouth =mmm mmm good"

Chicago, IL

No Nips

You're so fat and gross. No, I don't want to see your nipple ring. I'll take your word for it and walk away from you.

Chicago, IL

Camel Toe Extraordinare

You watching the Olympics: "Dude, look at that camel toe...I could do some real damage to that thing." What?

Chicago, IL

All The Single People

Guy at Enclave: "Baby, you know the only way you and I will be single tonight is when we get together and become one." You are the lamest greaseball on the planet.

Chicago, IL

Valentine's Day Friend

You sat next to me at the bar while I ordered a drink and offered to be my valentine. When I said no, you then just asked me if I wanted to fuck. Happy Valentine's Day to me.

Chicago, IL

Bad, Bad Thoughts

You: "Do you ever wonder what happened the night your Mom and Dad made you?"

Never. Jesus. So wrong.

Chicago, IL