The Countdown Is On

You: "Dude, today is Dakota Fanning's sweet 16th. That's 2 more years of my graphic imagination."

Chicago, IL

Shopper Stare

I walked out of the dressing room and you were just staring at me. I couldn't find my friend so I walked back in until I thought you'd be gone. You weren't. Wtf?

Troy, MI

Salutations

Nice meeting you the other day. You walked in and introduced yourself by asking which one of us you were going to sleep with.

East Lansing, MI

Stop & Stare

I'm hoping you were just staring off into space, but when I looked up you were staring right at me. I kept looking up and you hadn't moved for what seemed like the longest minute of my life. I had to leave the library.

Birmingham, MI

Oh-No

I wished my cab driver a "Happy Oh-Ten." His response: Yeah, for my Oh-Face.

Chicago, IL

Pierce Out

No, I don't want to see your other piercings. I don't want to see the ones I'm looking at now.

Brooklyn, NY

Saved By the Wal

A homeless man followed me for a block just going "he he he he he." I had to run into Walgreen's for 10 minutes just to make sure he wasn't going to be there when I left.

Chicago, IL

Paul Bunyan

You were sitting in your car stealing wireless internet from a place that offers it for free. Why don't you just go inside? Why are you wearing rapist sunglasses at dusk and look like a lumberjack? Step outside your car, join society.

Royal Oak, MI

Nice Muffs

Walking down the street, a girl in huge earmuffs passed by us and you could not have been any louder saying, "Oh my God-I want to hook up with that girl in the giant earmuffs SO BAD." I know she heard us because she was literally 2 feet in front of us. They're earmuffs dude, not earplugs.

Birmingham, MI

Good Sneezer?

I walked out of Border's and sneezed. You passed me a few minutes later and said: "well, that was a big one wasn't it?"

Chicago, IL

Slick Roads, Affectionate Lady

You stopped on a yellow light when I was behind you, and I crashed into your car. When we got out to exchange information, you gave me a hug and said "It's going to be alright." I felt like yelling "I NEED AN ADULT!!" just to see what would happen. Thanks for the early morning molest.

Omaha, NE

Fruit Seduction

You said something in Spanish, winked at me and then slowly put three bananas I didn't order into my to-go bag while staring at me.

Chicago, IL

Dog Man

I have heard dogs pant quieter than you were breathing. I hope something is medically wrong with you because you looked and sounded perverted and sad just sitting alone trying to eat a hot dog at lunch.

Chicago, IL

Laundry Room

I walked in to the laundry room to get my clothes out of the dryer and you were already there doing it for me. I thought it was a nice gesture until I realized you set aside one of my thongs on the washing machine. I'm guessing it was gonna be for a personal collection?

Bloomington, IN

Wrigleyville Mechanic

Walking down Addison, you were the mechanic just standing and staring at the street out of the garage window. You scared the shit out of us, but even when we jumped once we saw you, just didn't flinch at all. When we passed by again five minutes later, you were gone. I wonder at what moment you were fully satisfied with your creepiness.

Chicago, IL

Chivalry Is NOT Dead

You came up to me and offered a Kleenex because you saw me sneeze. Though appreciated, you tried to offer me one that was used. Then embarrassed that you didn't have any clean ones to offer, you kept nervously rambling about how you saw me sneezing a lot in the past few minutes and you couldn't believe you forgot to bring good ones. So pretty much after watching me from afar for a few minutes, your best remedy was a used tissue. Thank you for your kind efforts, but no thanks.

Chicago, IL

Life Partner

We're practically standing nose-to-nose on the train and you told me that I looked like your "life partner." I didn't know it was possible to be any more uncomfortable than I already was. Thanks for the wonderful morning commute.

Chicago, IL

Taste Tester

I was putting on my lip gloss and you asked me if I could give you a taste. I've never been so self-conscious putting on lip gloss ever since.

Chicago, IL

Supercuts

When you asked me to slouch in the chair, I assumed it was because you were short. You continued to cut my hair while rubbing your fupa up my arms and shoulders. You weren't even looking at my hair while you cut, you just kept smiling at me in the mirror like it was a sick joke. That was a much creepier haircut than the national advertisement implied.

Buffalo, NY

Ball Slap

So I thought I was playing a game involving slapping my friends' balls really hard, but I realized that I went up to the wrong person. I smacked a random person in the groin so hard, but there was zero reaction. Her reaction asking me,"what the fuck are you doing?" still reverberates in my head.

Chicago, IL