Young At Heart

My Grandpa asked me if I could buy him the SI Swimsuit edition because he said it made him "excited again." Of course, I had to.

Southgate, FL

Santa's Lap

My uncle that I never see except like once every 4 years decided to play Santa at our family Christmas party. Of course, I'm still considered part of the kids table so I get a gift from "Santa" aka my drunk uncle. He was adamant about me sitting on his lap until he would give me my gift... yeah, I'm 23. Once I sat on his lap he even said, "that's a good girl..you didn't want to be acting naughty for Santa did you?" Fuuuuck my family.

Chicago, IL

Your Cousin

Your cousin sat on my lap and then two of our other friends' laps looking to hook up with her in your basement during your family Christmas party. I don't know how your family does things, but she's 16--I'm 22. That's not alright. Keep a leash on her.

Bloomfield Hills, MI

Growing Fonder

Your uncle was really impressed by the way I've "grown up" over the years. Seriously, he was staring at my boobs and one-eyeing me the whole time he was talking to me. Merry Christmas to me.

Sandy Springs, GA

Pen Sniffer

You didn't know I came into the room, so I creeped on you as a joke. But really it ended up being me watching you put a pen into your mouth repeatedly and then smelling it after. When I asked you what the hell you were doing you just said "smelling a pen" as if I was insane for even asking. I'll be getting you a giant pack of pens for Christmas so you can smell them for days.

Mesick, MI

Thanksgiving Memories

Thanks for pushing your knuckles together and laughing like a clown because you could make your fingers slightly resemble a vagina. What's Thanksgiving dinner without a creepy uncle?

Detroit, MI

Lady of the Night?

My grandpa called my sister a "lady of the night" when he saw what she was wearing before going to the bars. There's just something about my grandfather thinking about prostitutes and equating them to his oldest granddaughter that doesn't sit well with me. Now I can't stop myself from thinking about him thinking about prostitutes whenever I see him. He started a vicious cycle.

Chicago, IL

Friend at Family Dinner

When I invited you over for a family dinner, I didn't expect you to creep on my sister all night. Seriously, you didn't stop talking to her the entire night so much that my grandmother even asked me if you mentally stable.

Chicago, IL

Your Sister's Friends

You called me over to look at a picture of "all your sister's hot friends on Halloween." Of course I came over to check it out and right when I did, you immediately realized your little sister was one of the "hot friends" you were checking out. You promised me not to say anything, but I seriously can't keep that to myself.

Chicago, IL

Bar Gambler

So I'm with my family at a bar having a good time, when all of the sudden I look across the way and see you staring at me and my friend. I assume you will look away since it is creepy in itself, but no, you continue to look. All the sudden you head our way, and not only do you say "All I have is one question, are those boobs real?" you then follow up with "YES! I just won 20 bucks." I was right next to my dad, you jackass. Why don't you try the casinos instead of betting on girls bodies.

Blair, NE

Father & Son Time

Nothing says "father & son male bonding" like celebrating America's pastime--a night of drinking and a baseball game--unless, of course, it's capped off with a pit stop to the strip club off of the highway on the way home. It was cool and all, but I should never have to end a lap dance by asking the stripper to wait for me so I can go ask my Dad for money to pay for it. Thanks for the memories, Dad.

Milwaukee, WI

My Buddy's Mom

Your mom just had a baby, and you invited me into the room to see her while she was breast feeding. Thanks for that.

Detroit, MI

Dad's E-Mail

You sent me a "funny" video of girls getting their tops unwillingly pulled down by random guys. I haven't been the same since.

Chicago, IL

Congrats on the Newborn

Don't show me a picture of your newborn cousin when I can still see your Aunt's legs spread eagle in the background.

Cincinnati, OH

Mom on Web Cam

When I'm talking about having sex with you over web cam, I'm assuming your alone. I saw your Mom peer into your room TWICE while we were talking. Now you know why I just left.

San Francisco, CA

Your Brother's Room

I know I blacked out last night because I usually remember going to sleep in a room full of various sized swords. I appreciate the hospitality too, but next time just leave me face down on the basement floor. Waking up hungover in a makeshift castle is terrifying.

Livonia, MI

Dad

Next time I tell you I'm bringing friends over for you to meet, please wear pants.

Boston, MA

Brotherly Love

I know your whole family is good looking, but seriously, it's getting disgusting when you talk about your brother so much. You started blushing like a smitten little girl. Gross.

Cleveland, OH