Piano (Wo)Man

Really? You play piano? Yeah, I get the picture. You don't have to tell me that your "good with your hands." Ray Charles wouldn't even hook up with you.

Chicago, IL

BrickBreaking

I don't know what's worse: the fact that the guy next to my bathroom stall knew I was playing BrickBreaker or that I answered him when he asked what my high score was.


Boston, MA

Insecure

Overheard at B-Dubs in Lincoln Park: "I can't wait to go to New York tomorrow...mostly because now I'm certain I'll get patted down when I go through security. YES!"

Chicago, IL

Racketeer

I wanted to play a joke and scare my friend coming out of the dressing room in the mall, but then I realized I was lurking in the rack of women's tank tops for about 5 minutes until she actually came out. Sorry, women's section at Nordstorm.

Troy, MI

Santa's Lap

My uncle that I never see except like once every 4 years decided to play Santa at our family Christmas party. Of course, I'm still considered part of the kids table so I get a gift from "Santa" aka my drunk uncle. He was adamant about me sitting on his lap until he would give me my gift... yeah, I'm 23. Once I sat on his lap he even said, "that's a good girl..you didn't want to be acting naughty for Santa did you?" Fuuuuck my family.

Chicago, IL

Merry Christmas Creepbook Loyals

Its only appropriate that we make a salute to the most popular creep in the world today.

Not only do you spend your year watching children, but you also make a list of the naughty ones. Then one night a year, you decide to break into their houses while they are sleeping and leave them packages. Literally, if you were an actual person, you'd be locked up for life. Almost forgot to mention that you live in a compound with a community of elves, secluded from all society. What are you hiding? There are plenty of factories available in Detroit that you could use.

So cheers to you Santa, you have made a career out of being creepy and you get away with it year after year. But this year we had to call you out and put you on the naughty list because you are truly an inspiration to creeps everywhere.

North Pole

Creeped Out Stripper

Strip clubs, I know, are creepy places sometimes, but the guy getting a dance next to me had the ultimate creepy request that even sent shivers down my spine. As the girl leaned in and asked his name, he ignored the question and made his request: "I'm going to pay you for a lap dance, but I don't want the dance, instead I want you to just scratch my back for the entire song." I have never seen a stripper creeped out--I thought it was impossible--but this guy making walrus noises while she reluctantly scratched his back made him a pioneer into the last creepy frontier.

Mt. Clemens, MI

Wanna-Be Jersey

While Christmas shopping at the mall a gelled haired man came up and said, "So many sexy ladies at the mall" and started fist pumping with his buddies. Although you want to live there, you're not on the Jersey Shore. You're in Chicago. Deal with it.

Chicago, IL

Daddy's Secret

There's nothing creepier than seeing a middle aged man with his three kids (one who is in a stroller) getting a Christmas "gift" aka sexy underwear at Victoria Secret for his wife. Will there soon be a fourth child?

Chicago, IL

Santa's Lap

No, I won't sit on your lap. Stop trying to tell people at the bar you look like Santa just because you're fat and have a beard.

Royal Oak, MI

Paul Bunyan

You were sitting in your car stealing wireless internet from a place that offers it for free. Why don't you just go inside? Why are you wearing rapist sunglasses at dusk and look like a lumberjack? Step outside your car, join society.

Royal Oak, MI

Dog Days of Christmas

Thanks for sending me a picture of your dog's boner. What wonderful way to start my day.

St. Louis, MO

Say What Karaoke

As if singing "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias to me wasn't enough, you had to point at me while you were singing, and then add my name to the lyrics so everyone could fully understand that you want me. Wow, you've really won me over this time.

Bloomfield Hills, MI

"Me" Time

I just got to the public library with my laptop and really had to go to the bathroom. I felt like such a fucking creep walking out of the bathroom with my laptop next to the kids section as if I needed some "alone time" to my self in the bathroom stall.

Birmingham, MI

Your Cousin

Your cousin sat on my lap and then two of our other friends' laps looking to hook up with her in your basement during your family Christmas party. I don't know how your family does things, but she's 16--I'm 22. That's not alright. Keep a leash on her.

Bloomfield Hills, MI

Mistle-don't

I get the point--you're supposed to kiss under mistletoe. But you cornered me and pulled it out of your pocket so you could say we were standing under it. I tried to laugh it off as a joke, but you were dead serious about us kissing the entire night. Stop following me.

Oak Park, IL

Growing Fonder

Your uncle was really impressed by the way I've "grown up" over the years. Seriously, he was staring at my boobs and one-eyeing me the whole time he was talking to me. Merry Christmas to me.

Sandy Springs, GA

Stop & Smell

A woman at work just came to my cube and told me she loved walking to the printer because I smell so good.

Bloomfield Hills, MI

Love at First Flight

You saw me on a cross-country flight and found out what school I went to by asking my coach sitting next to you. You looked up my team photo, found my name, and friended me on Facebook. We never met in person until you flew across the country to my school to meet me, and now we're dating. Wow. Do you do this often?

Los Angeles, CA

Party In the USA

You: "There's nothing better than grinding on random chicks to Miley Cyrus songs. I don't care if she's like 16 or something--she's hot dude. She's the only one I'm thinking of when"Party in the USA" comes on at the bar.

Chicago, IL

Nice Muffs

Walking down the street, a girl in huge earmuffs passed by us and you could not have been any louder saying, "Oh my God-I want to hook up with that girl in the giant earmuffs SO BAD." I know she heard us because she was literally 2 feet in front of us. They're earmuffs dude, not earplugs.

Birmingham, MI

My Secret's Out

I just walked out of Victoria's Secret after buying a Christmas gift, and these two guys just smiled at me and nodded their heads as I walked by. As I passed them, one of them said: "Oh, very good choice indeed" and started laughing with his friend.

Troy, MI

Friendly Visit

A guy at work left a note on my car at home that said he was in the neighborhood and was sorry he missed me because it looked like no one was home. I never told him where I lived.

Buffalo, NY

Want To Be A Maverick?

You told me about a Law and Order:SVU episode you just saw. You explained the premise involved a group of guys that kept a scoreboard of women they laid. The episode ended with them all being convicted of statutory rape. The guys in the show nicknamed themselves, 'The Mavericks.' So my answer to your question is no, I don't want to start our own chapter of 'The Mavericks.'

Birmingham, MI

Lock Master

I have a lot of keys on my key ring and they fell out of my purse waiting for the bus. When I picked them up the man next to me just said, "who are you trying to keep out of your house so badly with all them keys, girl?"

New York, New York

Grandpa In Heaven

I was at the gym when I saw a really old man just sitting on the couch staring at people working out. I was so intrigued that I sat down near him while I tied my shoes when he immediately said to me, "will you look at that? Ho-ly smokes" as he was pointing to girl with huge boobs running on the treadmill. He never took his eyes off of her. I love that man.

Evanston, IL

Good Sneezer?

I walked out of Border's and sneezed. You passed me a few minutes later and said: "well, that was a big one wasn't it?"

Chicago, IL

Friendly Wave

So, I was at the IC yesterday and I saw you stalking my "Book." I don't even know who you are. When you looked at me you smiled at waved.

Chicago, IL

Asian Fever

You looked like Bam Bam Bigelow from the WWF and tried to pick up my friend by saying she was like "your own little China doll."

Chicago, IL

Tiger Tiger Woods Y'All

You tried to pick me up by telling me that your kids go to the same elementary school that I did and then asked for my phone number. When I said "no, sorry, you're married" (not to mention old and creepy) you responded "Damn. Tiger Woods has totally ruined my game."

Royal Oak, MI

Not So Silent

I thought it was pretty funny to be farting in the library. I also thought that just my buddy could hear them. But when I got up and saw your face staring at me with disgust in the reflection of the window...wow. I apologize, because I have no idea you were 3 ft behind me. You could've moved though, it was going on for at least an hour. Did you enjoy?

East Lansing, MI

The Toucher

You've become infamous for being really touchy when you drink. But dude, I'm another man. Don't ever come up behind me and gently rub my waist. And your excuse that you thought I was my girlfriend? WTF?? Never again.

East Lansing, MI

Nipple Pincher

I gave you a glass of water because I could see that even when drunk Ritz crackers are tough to eat in bulk. You proceeded to put your arm around me rub my chest then pinch my nipples. Your customs for showing appreciation are foreign to me, but creepy in any culture.

Buffalo, NY

Weather Man

Waiting for the L in the freezing cold, you asked me what my ideal outside temperature is...you just wanted an excuse to tell me your's is 69. What a tool.

Chicago, IL

Different Strokes

You were looking at me, licking your lips, and stroking the pole you were holding on to in a very inappropriate manner, sir. I don't care if that's normal in Boystown, but where I'm from it's disgusting no matter what.

Chicago, IL

Slick Roads, Affectionate Lady

You stopped on a yellow light when I was behind you, and I crashed into your car. When we got out to exchange information, you gave me a hug and said "It's going to be alright." I felt like yelling "I NEED AN ADULT!!" just to see what would happen. Thanks for the early morning molest.

Omaha, NE

Fruit Seduction

You said something in Spanish, winked at me and then slowly put three bananas I didn't order into my to-go bag while staring at me.

Chicago, IL

Presents from Dad

My friend's Dad: "I refuse to buy you any more Christmas presents. The last three years have all been bras and thongs your Mom conned me into buying because they said there were for her. I finally found out I was buying them for my daughter."

Grand Rapids, MI

Dog Man

I have heard dogs pant quieter than you were breathing. I hope something is medically wrong with you because you looked and sounded perverted and sad just sitting alone trying to eat a hot dog at lunch.

Chicago, IL

Study Buddy #2

No, I don't want to study with you. You must have been staring at me with eagle eyes from across the room to see I was looking at the same textbook you were. And no, it's not funny how we've never met even though we sat near each other in the same class all semester. Kindly leave.

Oxford, OH

Laundry Room

I walked in to the laundry room to get my clothes out of the dryer and you were already there doing it for me. I thought it was a nice gesture until I realized you set aside one of my thongs on the washing machine. I'm guessing it was gonna be for a personal collection?

Bloomington, IN

No Longer My Friend

I thought there is no way in hell what I heard was true, but even when I asked you, you couldn't deny it...you had sex with a homeless chick just because she randomly somehow had a tattoo of your name on her arm. What THE FUCK?! I never thought I'd hear of such shame. No amount of soap will ever get you clean again.

Champaign, IL

Waffle House Creep

First of all, you're a middle aged man at waffle house at 3am...alone. Then, you tried to get my attention while I was paying by saying "come on baby." Come on what? And don't think I didn't see you lick the edge of that A1 steak sauce bottle, recap it, and put it back on the table like nothing happened. Other people use that too, ya know. Who orders a steak at waffle house anyways? It's called waffle house for a reason, creep.

Atlanta, GA

Pen Sniffer

You didn't know I came into the room, so I creeped on you as a joke. But really it ended up being me watching you put a pen into your mouth repeatedly and then smelling it after. When I asked you what the hell you were doing you just said "smelling a pen" as if I was insane for even asking. I'll be getting you a giant pack of pens for Christmas so you can smell them for days.

Mesick, MI

Newsfeed New Friend

Don't follow up introducing yourself with: "Yeah, I recognized you from my Facebook newsfeed." You're not off to a good start at all being my friend.

Chicago, IL

Wrigleyville Mechanic

Walking down Addison, you were the mechanic just standing and staring at the street out of the garage window. You scared the shit out of us, but even when we jumped once we saw you, just didn't flinch at all. When we passed by again five minutes later, you were gone. I wonder at what moment you were fully satisfied with your creepiness.

Chicago, IL

Shoe Starer

I was in the bathroom stall and you were in the one next to me. No words need to be said...ever. But seeing as you must be some shoe fashionista, you said to me, "so uhhh, where'd you get those shoes? I've been looking at them the whole time I've been in here."

Chicago, IL

Chivalry Is NOT Dead

You came up to me and offered a Kleenex because you saw me sneeze. Though appreciated, you tried to offer me one that was used. Then embarrassed that you didn't have any clean ones to offer, you kept nervously rambling about how you saw me sneezing a lot in the past few minutes and you couldn't believe you forgot to bring good ones. So pretty much after watching me from afar for a few minutes, your best remedy was a used tissue. Thank you for your kind efforts, but no thanks.

Chicago, IL

Study Buddy

Have you ever talked to a girl before? You could not have been more awkward and creepy if you tried. Asking me to study at your house because: "you know, my roommates are gone and it'll be just you and me and it'll...uhh be just the two of us to really get to know each other and the material, you know?"

I hope you fail the test and at life.

San Francisco, CA

Life Partner

We're practically standing nose-to-nose on the train and you told me that I looked like your "life partner." I didn't know it was possible to be any more uncomfortable than I already was. Thanks for the wonderful morning commute.

Chicago, IL

Roommate's Balls

I was ok with you just wearing boxers around the house, but you just sat next to me spread eagle and your balls just flopped out. Time's up, put some fucking pants on.

Chicago, IL

There Goes Santa Claus

Once Santa Claus left the kid's photo-op, I thought it'd be funny to sit in his chair...until I realized I was an unshaven, unclean college kid sitting and watching the kids play under the Christmas tree. I had to stop short of offering them the box of leftover candy canes. Merry Christmas, little ones.

Chicago, IL

The Host

The host at a sports bar shouldn't try to pump up a group of guys before seating them to watch a football game. Instead of simply saying our table is ready, he smiled and said, "Are there any MEN here who wanna watch some FOOTBALL?!" I don't know why he unnecessarily stressed men and football so much, but the fact that the bar is located in a mostly gay neighborhood definitely had something to do with it.

Ferndale, MI

Weird Thoughts

It was so creepy that you suggested we start a website about how big our friend's penis is. And yet, I told you I'm down.

Mesick, MI

Lockerroom Buddies

I was sitting in the sauna in between two very fat, very sweaty, very old men. They started talking about how great their weekend was because they had sex with their wives. I immediately ran out thinking I escaped the horror, but they left right after me and talked about it the whole time while they showered. Shame on you, old people.

Chicago, IL

Top Websites?

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Thanksgiving Memories

Thanks for pushing your knuckles together and laughing like a clown because you could make your fingers slightly resemble a vagina. What's Thanksgiving dinner without a creepy uncle?

Detroit, MI

Baiting Deer

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Pleasure Town

Me and my friend were trying to have a threesome with this girl in our dormroom. We kept feeding her shots of Bushmills, but pretended to take them ourselves. All was going well until my buddy whipped out his cock, slapped her on the thigh, and said, "I'll take you to pleasure town." Lets just say it didn't have the effect he intended.

East Lansing, MI

Mega-Creep

Traveling on a bus full of strangers isn't my idea of luxury especially when I lean my chair back to sleep and wake up with the guy behind me's hand resting next to my face. He found no problem with his actions. I felt used.

Detroit, MI

Kleenex Boy

Not only do you blow your nose like a trumpet, but you proceed to look at the snot in the Kleenex afterward. I sit behind you and it's inevitable that everyone sees your own treasured mucus collection. It's disgusting, and that's why no one wants to be your partner in anything.

Chicago, IL

MGMT Stare

Every time I turn my head, you are staring at me. It's now been 13 weeks of you staring, and I'm about to snap because I'm starting to think every time I turn my head to the right, you will always be there staring. No matter the place, no matter the time.

Chicago, IL

Taste Tester

I was putting on my lip gloss and you asked me if I could give you a taste. I've never been so self-conscious putting on lip gloss ever since.

Chicago, IL

Thanks for the Compliment?

Staring at me from across the bar I could barely hear you, but the one thing I did hear you yell at me was, "My eyes like the way you look." What kind of compliment is that? And did you just learn how to speak English?

Chicago, IL

Video Watching

I was walking by your computer when I stopped to watch the video you were watching. I forgot that peering over a random person's shoulder isn't socially acceptable, yet I stayed until you saw my reflection in the screen and turned around to see me running away.

Chicago, IL

The Greatest Show on Earth

So this girl asked me on a date. It's the 21st century, I'll let it go-but to the Circus? Let me get this straight, you want our first date- that you are asking me on-to be surrounded by grown men running around with make-up, women with beards, midgets, and hundreds of children? What type of message are you going for?

Chicago, IL

Sleeping Buddy

I got way too drunk before the MSU-ND football game and passed out in the stands during the middle of the 3rd quarter. It's not the fact that I passed out per se, but that I passed out on the little kid sitting in front of me luckily while his parents were gone. My buddy woke me up and I left where I was sitting, but not before I patted the kid on the head and thanked him for being a true friend.

East Lansing, MI

Mom

I know they're married, but my Mom should not be talking to me like I'm her sorority sister. She was talking to me about my Dad and just said "mmm, he looked so hot... You have NO IDEA, (name)." I'm so glad I moved out of that house of sin.

Bloomfield Hills, MI

Lady of the Night?

My grandpa called my sister a "lady of the night" when he saw what she was wearing before going to the bars. There's just something about my grandfather thinking about prostitutes and equating them to his oldest granddaughter that doesn't sit well with me. Now I can't stop myself from thinking about him thinking about prostitutes whenever I see him. He started a vicious cycle.

Chicago, IL

Leg Shaker

Your leg was bouncing up and down so much while I was sitting next to you. I don't know if you're jonesing for crack or you get nervous sitting in cramped buses, but either way your leg was shaking against mine. When I asked you to stop, your response was, "oh, since it's cold out I thought I'd warm us both up by rubbing thighs."

Chicago, IL

Qwest Manager

You told us we should treat the credit card slot as if it were a girl and "have a gentle touch." Then you topped it off with: "I will come over if you have troubles. I have a gentle touch. These hands know how to treat a man...trust me." NOT OK! You are a 50 year old lady talking to 8 frat guys. I'll dragon slay somewhere else, thanks.

Omaha, NE

Supercuts

When you asked me to slouch in the chair, I assumed it was because you were short. You continued to cut my hair while rubbing your fupa up my arms and shoulders. You weren't even looking at my hair while you cut, you just kept smiling at me in the mirror like it was a sick joke. That was a much creepier haircut than the national advertisement implied.

Buffalo, NY

Half Time at Home

At work, I overheard your story about the "barely legal" chick you picked up at the bar on your 32nd birthday. You mentioned how you told her that you "only live with your parents 6 months a year." I don't know whats creepier that pick up line or you bringing girls back to an underpass 6 months a year.

Troy, MI

Slurpie

You sit in front of me and all I see is dandruff on your dirty clothes. Every 3 minutes all I hear is the sound of you slurping up and swallowing the spit you've accumulated in your mouth because you have a cold and have to breathe with your mouth open the whole time.

Chicago, IL

Professor McBelly-Cave

Stop wearing skin-tight shirts please. You teach a class of 100 people, and we can all see your giant belly-button. No joke, I could easily fit a baseball inside that stomach cave.

East Lansing, MI

Cradle Robber Boyfriend

It was so creepy when you turned to your girlfriend and said,"I was a freshman in college when you were 10 years old."

Miami, FL

Skype Creeper

I was video skyping my Mom when she asked who my friend was behind me peering over my shoulder. Not only are you so fucking creepy, but you are NOT my friend--you're a 40-year old man who works at my school.

Chicago, IL

Leech Girl

You followed me everywhere I went on Friday. Seriously, everywhere. I don't know how you knew where I was going because I intentionally ignored your repeated calls and texts, but you showed up at every house and bar I went to. And every time I saw you, you were looking at me and would immediately look away. Dear God.

Kalamazoo, MI

Sex-capades

Bragging about how many random dudes you've had sex with in the weirdest places isn't winning me over. You aren't appealing even before you open your mouth, so really, just stop talking.

Chicago, IL

Ball Slap

So I thought I was playing a game involving slapping my friends' balls really hard, but I realized that I went up to the wrong person. I smacked a random person in the groin so hard, but there was zero reaction. Her reaction asking me,"what the fuck are you doing?" still reverberates in my head.

Chicago, IL

Cold Teacher

My accounting teacher has the biggest, saggy boobs ever. She was nipping the entire time, and I could not look away. It was like staring at a train wreck for an hour.

St. Louis, MO

Pee-ing Tom

I went to look for a stall to pee in and we made eye contact when I knocked to see if the stall you were in was empty. It was so awkward and weird. You didn't say a word, yet I still remember the half-smile on your face as if you were waiting for someone like me to do that.

Pittsburgh, PA

Bathroom Intruder

I didn't properly lock the stall door and some guy just walked in on me taking a shit. I know it was an accident, but goddamn I feel so violated.

Chicago, IL

Curry Boy

You went up to all my friends and I and told us that we have curry pudding in our pants because we're Indian. What the fuck does that even mean?

Chicago, IL

Look-A-Like Sniper

I was on the train and this guy looked just like my friend so I went up to him and tried to take a picture to document the uncanny resemblance, but the train moved and it came out blurry. He noticed what I did and started shifting away from me, so at my stop I said "STOP MOVING!," took another pic, and ran off the train. Got it.

Chicago, IL

Toe Tapper

Take off your fucking iPod, asshole. You're keeping beat with your toe on my foot. I thought it was an innocent mistake until I purposely moved my foot, and then you somehow found your way to my foot again. Don't be so merry--you're on the L.

Chicago, IL

Midnight Grocer

It's midnight and we're both in the grocery store. The difference is I got in and got out within minutes while you, on the other hand,were just staring at the salad dressings. I hope you were high. No coherent person should ever take that long choosing anything.

Chicago, IL

Mrs. Mustache

You're a 45 year old woman, it's time to shave that mustache on your face. Plus, you work at Subway. I couldn't stop thinking of those dirty hairs beneath your nose while I was eating. It ruined by tasty footlong treat.

East Lansing, MI

Walking to Class

All I heard you say was: "You think if your dog was a human, you'd want to fuck it? Cause I legitimately LOVE my dog that much." I couldn't even hear the response because I instantly stopped walking behind you.

San Francisco, CA

Eating on the Bus

It's totally unnecessary for you to eat your meatball sub on the bus. What's even more troubling is the way you looked at me when you licked the sauce off of your fingers. You fucking slob.

Chicago, IL

Mega Bus Ladies

1. You're drinking MGD bottles at 8 am. 2. You acknowledged that you didn't know I was behind you the whole time, but you still kept talking about how kids these days can get AIDS so easily, and you're thanking God you don't have it because when you were younger, you were a "loose, loose girl." I was trying to sleep. My dreams were tainted.

Detroit, MI

No-Shave November

No-Shave November does NOT apply to girls. I want you to know this because I could see your pubes when you were doing the oddest fucking stretch I have ever seen at the gym. Control those things.

Grand Rapids, MI

Red Line Recluse

You could not be more uninviting. Sunglasses on even though we're in and underground tunnel, hood up even though your inside a fucking subway car, headphones blaring death metal music, and the use of your coat sleeve as a Kleenex. Welcome to life, buddy.

Chicago, IL

Weird Text

I gave you my phone number because you are a family friend and wanted to do an interview with me sometime. I didn't give it to you so on my anniversary you could text me saying "Happy Anniversary! Easy on the lovin!!!" You're a priest. PLEASE NEVER TEXT ME AGAIN!

Omaha, NE

Stin

You sat in your bed naked and watched Bravo for 4 hours instead of doing absolutely anything productive. When I came in from class, you called me in your room to tell me all about what's been happening to the guys from "Million Dollar Listing," and offered the chair next to your bed to me as if I wanted to join you in your nude Bravo-fest. No thanks.

Chicago, IL

Workout Buddies

Every time I go to the gym the same people are there doing the exact same routines when I'm in there. I've watched them so much I know the order they go in, the weight they use, and how many sets they do. I also find myself cheering to myself for them when they're struggling and proud of them when they finish strong. Fuck, I'm a creep. I know it's only gonna get worse.

Chicago, IL

Grandpa Pants

You wear your pants so high I can see the full outline of your cock and balls. It's unimpressive and weird. People are talking about you.

Chicago, IL

Sweats McGee

Sorry for the handshake. I bet it felt like you dipped your entire arm into warm oil. I sweat a lot on adderall.

East Lansing, MI

Drive By Creeping

So as I'm driving home from class last week I just so happen to look over at you when you are looking at me. Not only do you look at me, but you then keep staring and drive the same speed as me. 1st look: You mouth "hi" to me. 2nd look: You blow me a kiss. I laugh at you and look away. 3rd look: You start licking your lips. I start looking for the nearest turn. 4th look: You point to your cock and ask if i want to suck it. I IMMEDIATELY turn down a street so you couldn't follow. Please don't car molest me again.

Omaha, NE

Bathroom Sing-a-Long

I sat down in the stall next to you and all I could hear was you humming and your iPod blaring "I Just Can't Wait To Be King." That was the quickest I've ever peed.

Chicago, IL

Apology to Everyone I Just Passed

I just left the gym and didn't have any extra boxers, so naturally I went commando. I didn't realize that my fly was down the entire time I was walking home and taking the L, and was unknowingly flashing my dick to everyone I passed. My bad.

Chicago, IL

Friend at Family Dinner

When I invited you over for a family dinner, I didn't expect you to creep on my sister all night. Seriously, you didn't stop talking to her the entire night so much that my grandmother even asked me if you mentally stable.

Chicago, IL

Loud Breather

During the test, all I could hear was your inhumane heavy breathing. You know it's bad when our teacher even asks you to breathe softer because you're ruining everyone's concentration. Get that shit checked out.

Chicago, IL

Cell Phone Snoop

I was looking for my cell phone on the kitchen counter where my Mom just set down all the bags she brought in from shopping. I started looking through the bags thinking my phone somehow slipped in one of them when I found a box of condoms my Mom just bought. Fuck that phone.

Chicago, IL

Body Shots at Mt. Chalet

You've gotta be at least 50 and you're doing body shots at a neighborhood bar. Not only did the bartenders and everyone in the bar hate you before you started doing body shots, but when you tried to get off the table, you spilled shit everywhere and got kicked out because of it. Well done trying to fight the bouncers.

Birmingham, MI

Classroom Monitor

I never come to class except when there's an exam, so when you tell me that you never see me in class anymore and I have no fucking clue who you are -- that creeps me out.

Chicago, IL

Girl on the Bus

I guess my punishment for reading your diary over your shoulder as you were writing is you farting mustard gas in my face for the entire ride to class. What the fuck are you eating? Sorry about you failing that test...and let me know how your boyfriend takes the break-up. Same time next week?

Chicago, IL

Party Pooper at Heenan's

There aren't that many girls at the bar in the first place, and then you have to go and scare them off before they even finish their first beer by creeping on them more than I have ever seen. Way to be a team player!

Buffalo, NY

Candid Camera

I saw you take a picture of me on your cell phone in class. And then I found it on my news feed on Facebook.

Chicago, IL

Just Bad

I think you were trying to be seductive while you sang in my ear, but you have the worst goddamn voice I have ever heard. And you spit on me so much too. Seriously, you were awful in every aspect. I don't know why you gave me some weird version of a pouty face when I left you on the dance floor and bolted out the door. Oh, you looked stupid giving that face too.

Ann Arbor, MI

Aww Skeet Skeet

You told me you like to take your computer to different places in our dorm and beat off there because you get bad wireless in your room. What...What the FUCK?!

Chicago, IL

MILF

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Walk-In Invite

I was at a house party last weekend when I walked into a random room and saw you hooking up with one of my friends. You're only response was, "wanna join?" I immediately found the bathroom and puked. How's that for an answer?

Boston, MA

Peeping Dad

You and I were watching TV on the couch while your Dad was asleep in a chair next to us. Right after we moved closer to each other, I looked over and he hadn't moved an inch, but had one eye open just staring at me. I can't tell you how that image has been burned into my memory. I'm still scared he's watching me at this very moment.

Bloomfield Hills, MI

Darcy

I like you're into the whole buddy-buddy neighbor thing, but I'm not cool with you always stumbling into our apartment wasted and uninvited. I came downstairs half-naked and you were just standing there in our kitchen. At least turn the lights on...come on.

Chicago, IL

Shithead at Joe's

First, who shits in a jam-packed bar's bathroom?And second, then proceeds to invite people in to check it out because you didn't want to flush? No, I don't want to see your "best dump ever."

Chicago, IL

Elliptical Girl

I intentionally kept running on the treadmill behind you because you were on the the elliptical in front of me and I couldn't stop looking at your ass. Creepy, yet so motivating.

Kalamazoo, MI

Your Sister's Friends

You called me over to look at a picture of "all your sister's hot friends on Halloween." Of course I came over to check it out and right when I did, you immediately realized your little sister was one of the "hot friends" you were checking out. You promised me not to say anything, but I seriously can't keep that to myself.

Chicago, IL

Airport Screener

Why were you security screening that super old woman? She was like 102 and about to die. You looked so happy smiling and eyeing her as you patted her down. Gross.

Chicago, IL

Friendly Fun?

You were sitting behind me in the van with our friends. I had my arm across the top of the benchseat, and you licked the top of my hand when I wasn't paying attention. I don't care if it was a dare, I'm still scarred.

Gaylord, MI

No Words Can Explain

This day will forever haunt me. I was sitting in class and earnestly trying not to pay attention to anything our professor had to say. I successfully made it through, but as I was about to leave, I glanced over at the wrong moment. As you got up and stretched, your shirt started to rise and I saw that you had "tucked" up your dick and the top was poking out. Our teacher is a 75 year old man and you sit at the front of the room. What is wrong with you???

Omaha, NE

Bar Gambler

So I'm with my family at a bar having a good time, when all of the sudden I look across the way and see you staring at me and my friend. I assume you will look away since it is creepy in itself, but no, you continue to look. All the sudden you head our way, and not only do you say "All I have is one question, are those boobs real?" you then follow up with "YES! I just won 20 bucks." I was right next to my dad, you jackass. Why don't you try the casinos instead of betting on girls bodies.

Blair, NE

Sloppy Girl at Madison

When every other girl dresses up like a slut on Halloween, you certainly thought it'd be a good idea to do the same. Unfortunately for everyone else, we had to look at you the whole night. Some girls just shouldn't pretend to be a Playboy bunny. Trust me, no one wanted to go home with you no matter how much titty you were showing.

Madison, WI

(Wo)Man on Red Line

You were an overweight, under-trimmed mannish woman. Okay, I get the picture -- you don't like to shave your legs, but seriously, I almost puked when you started to play with your leg hair.

Chicago, IL

Halloween Confession

I purposely wore reflective sunglasses so people couldn't see my eyes when I was talking to them. I like it better that way. I can stare ANYWHERE I want, and you don't know the difference.

Chicago, IL

Flasher Outfit

You decided that since your girlfriend was out of town, you would go as a huge creeper. You bought a dildo that was damn near 2 FEET LONG and kept dangling it at people as you walked by. How the hell did you even walk with that thing?

Omaha, NE

My Teacher's Costume

There's nothing like seeing your teacher outside of class. Especially when I saw him at the costume store looking at a slutty nurse outfit. Looks like I'll be getting an A in that class. Cell phone pictures = the best.

Indianapolis, IN

Wrigleyville McDonald's Homeless Men

Every time I walk by your shopping cart gang, one of you has to say something to me. You know I where I live because I've looked back and seen you all staring at me when I'm at my front door. Somehow it does feel kind of nice to hear a grumbled "well hello there, young man...looking good today as always." So, thanks?

Chicago, IL

Girl Outside My Bio Class

I just met you, but I always see you outside of my bio class when it's done. When I brought this to your attention you didn't think it was as ironic as I did. Your response: "Oh, it's cause I know your schedule." Excuse me, what?

Denver, CO

Friendly Peep Show

We were all having a great time until you took the random girl you just met into my roommate's bed and started having sex with her with us still in the room. We share rooms. There were like 6 of us spending the night in there. And as if throwing a blanket over you and her was going to hide what you're doing? It's not an invisibility cloak, Harry Potter. Oh, and that was my blanket too.

East Lansing, MI

The Girls Nexts Door

We invited you over for drinks and then you accused us of creeping on your house. However the real creeps were exposed throughout the night when each of you, in full detail, explained our different daily routines, room by room.

Buffalo, NY

You Must Be New Here

I didn't want to hook up with you so I told you I had to quickly do something in my room first. I locked the door, fell asleep, and forgot about you. You sat on my couch texting me for 4 hours. How did it possibly take you that long to get the hint I wasn't coming back?

Chicago, IL

Facebook Favorites

You told me you had "Facebook Favorites" that you would look at when you were bored and alone. Please tell me I'm not one of them. Please.

Chicago, IL

Open Window?

I was walking by your house and I could hear you having sex. Please tell me a window was open because, if not, you must have been seriously fucking screaming. Literally, I guess.

Phoenix, AZ

Jamaican Bobsled Team

You told me you were going to be a Jamaican bobsled team member for Halloween. I immediately asked if you had actually had a bobsled and then if I could take a ride on your bobsled. I'm sorry that came out way too quickly. I don't even know what that means.

Chicago, IL

Evan

I've walked in to find you upstairs with the TV off and you sitting peering out the window. I don't know how long it took you to realize I was standing there watching you gaze into the street below, but you didn't say a word to me until I left the room and came back in. How often do you just sit...and stare?

Chicago, IL

Laundry in the Kitchen

I love that your Mom folds all the laundry on the kitchen table. Especially because now I know what type of underwear she wears just by getting a drink of water.

Bloomfield Hills, MI

Halloween Creeper

When I asked you what you were dressed as for Halloween I wasn't expecting you to say 'pedophile'...I see you wear that sweater at least once a week, is there anything you want to tell me before I see it on the news?

Getzville, NY

New Neighbor

I realize I just moved in a few apartments down and you're excited to meet a new friend, but when I'm taking out the trash in my boxers...that is not a good time to get to know me better.

Chicago, IL

Bus Rider Next to Me

It's so unnecessary the way you spread your legs while sitting in your seat. You're on a jam packed bus full of strangers overflowing onto other seats, and you keep rubbing your thighs against mine as if it's cause the bus turned sharply.

Chicago, IL

Old Roommate

You walked into the room and introduced yourself to my friends for the first time in your boxers...your dick was hanging out of the unbuttoned crotch hole the entire time.

Chicago, IL

Phantom Pix Message

I recently received a random picture of some dude's balls on my cell phone. To this day, I still don't know who it was sent from.

Chicago, IL

Father & Son Time

Nothing says "father & son male bonding" like celebrating America's pastime--a night of drinking and a baseball game--unless, of course, it's capped off with a pit stop to the strip club off of the highway on the way home. It was cool and all, but I should never have to end a lap dance by asking the stripper to wait for me so I can go ask my Dad for money to pay for it. Thanks for the memories, Dad.

Milwaukee, WI

Girl Outside of Bruno's

You were the absolute drunkest person I have ever seen. While your friend was getting handcuffed by police for whatever reason, you were swaying--unaware of reality--on the sidewalk. I walked by as you squatted down in your mini skirt, and proceeded to puke and piss at the same time. Welcome to Chicago, me.

Chicago, IL

Sunglasses While It's Raining

It's not sunny outside, so take off your sunglasses. In fact, it's raining so now you look like a creep and an asshole.

Chicago, IL

My Buddy's Mom

Your mom just had a baby, and you invited me into the room to see her while she was breast feeding. Thanks for that.

Detroit, MI

151 Rider

You were sitting across from me, smiling with like 3 single teeth, and trying to wink at me.

Chicago, IL

Halloween Store

I was looking at an outfit for a Halloween party and you just walked by me and said, "oh, you'll definitely get all the guys in that." What a creep.

Cleveland, OH

Red Line Sleeper

It looked like you were coming back from what looks like a respectable corporate job. All that respect went out the window when you feel asleep on me. A grown ass man should not be needing an afternoon nap on a college kid.

Chicago, IL

Dad's E-Mail

You sent me a "funny" video of girls getting their tops unwillingly pulled down by random guys. I haven't been the same since.

Chicago, IL

Couple in My English Class

Stop making out and cuddling before class. It's so fucking annoying, and it's no surprise you 2 uggos found each other. Even the teacher stopped and stared with a look of disgust as he walked in.

Chicago, IL

Shirtless Guy in Window

I laid on my couch all day, hungover and shirtless. When I decided to open the drapes to the big picture window in the front room, I forgot that I was half naked and staring at the family across the street unload groceries from their car. Welcome to the neighborhood.

Chicago, IL

Kreeping at the Kerryman

Our bachelor party was having a great time, but when you offered to blow every guy in our group, that's when it went from overly friendly to total slutbag. That did not seem like your first time offering that to a group of random guys either. Did you end up finding any takers after we left?

Chicago, IL

Dolly

We were simply trying to get a case of beer to drink on a lovely Sunday afternoon when you approached us if we knew how to make a "Salty Dog" in the grocery store. No one knew what the fuck you were talking about, yet you then proceeded to tell us how to make it while adding various remarks about your failed marriages and how your husband ran off with his little "tricky." What the hell kind of people are breeding in Omaha? And no, I don't want to come to the bar in your basement to drink my beer.

Omaha, NE

Ugly Chicks in Denver

You kept pulling up alongside us checking us out at 2:30 in the morning on the way back from a bar. Not only that, you tried giving us your number while driving 70 alongside us. When that didn't work, you motioned for us to follow you OFF the interstate to talk to us. Is that your usual way of getting guys? Just wait til they are drunk enough to make a mistake with you? I'll keep my dignity, thanks.

Denver, CO

Homeless Woman on Addison L Stop

You asked for some spare change, so I gave you some. You then asked for a hug to thank me, so I gave you one. You crossed the line when you kissed my cheek and tried to nibble my earlobe. I can still feel your fish lips on my skin and I want to cry every time I think of that chilling moment. I've never felt so used.

Chicago, IL

Ghost Hunters

We went to the cemetery to scare ourselves while we pretended to be ghost hunters. You, on the other hand, were there for some kind of twisted pleasure. So you like to be alone in cemeteries at night? Satan worshiper? You started fucking petting a child's gravestone. What. The. Fuck.

Bachelor's Grove, IL

Fr. Joe

I think you're a great guy, you know, being a retired priest and all...but when you're offered wine at dinner, don't try to politely decline it by saying it's cause red wine makes you horny. There's so much wrong with that. SO much.

West Palm Beach, FL

Two-Fingers McAndrew

I had a computer teacher in elementary school that only had 2 fingers on one of his hands. He swore he could type faster than any of us 4th graders with 7 fingers than we could with our 10. I never saw him type. I only remember him resting his mangled hand on the girls' shoulders and saying, "well, young lady, you're lookin' mighty fine today." Fast forward to today -- he's brought up on abuse charges. How ironic I'm typing this now, and he's in jail.

Bloomfield Hills, MI

Library Stare

Every time I looked up, you were staring at me. I just moved because of you.

Chicago, IL

Old Man Outside of Victoria's Secret

You were just standing and staring at the mannequins wearing lingerie. I'm so glad you're not my grandpa.

Chicago, IL

Bus Eavesdropping

I heard you talking about me and my friends on the bus to class. I had my headphones in and I know you knew I was there too cause I heard you say you shouldn't talk too loud or I'd hear you. Good thing my iPod was off and I heard every word. You're such a bitch.

Chicago, IL

Shady Puke Boy

You almost threw up on my roommate and then shady bounced. You left your t-shirt and boxers too. Thanks you asshole.

Albion, MI

Gym Confession

I stared you down in the gym and it didn't even phase me in the least. I know we made eye contact, and I guess I got a little weird when I realized what I was actually doing, but honestly I couldn't look away. I'm sorry I'm not sorry.

Chicago, IL

Waiting for the Bus

When the bus pulled up and I could see my reflection in the windows, I saw you staring at me until it pulled away. I couldn't bear to turn around.

Chicago, IL

John Mayer Wanna-be

You talked yourself up so much about playing guitar that I thought you'd shut up if I offered to hear you play. I was stupid and went to your room, and then you proceeded to shut the door and lock it. 1) That is totally unnecessary and creepy. 2) You fucking suck.

San Francisco, CA

Internship Douche

When telling me about the possibility of an internship, don't put your arm around me. You smelled like onions and shit.

Ann Arbor, MI

Pen Chewer

You were going to town on your pen and staring down the girl in front of you. You didn't blink for like 2 minutes and kept swabbing the inside of your cheek with your pen. I wish I didn't watch you for so long. It was so weird, and now I feel like a creep too.

Indianapolis, IN

Weezer

It was just you and me in the elevator for 5 floors, but I can still hear you weezing next to me. It sends chills down my spine.

Chicago, IL

Shoe Tying

I swear it started off as an innocent stare into space, but then when you bent down to tie your shoe I couldn't help notice your thong was showing. I'm sure you could feel my eyes staring at your ass cause when you turned around you looked immediately at me and knew what I was doing. Whoops...but thanks.

Chicago, IL

Apology to My Calculus III Class

I'm sorry for creeping you all out. I didn't know you were watching me pick the lint out of my belly button.

East Lansing, MI

Roommate Getting Weird

I'm just sitting here reading a book, and I can feel you gazing at me. In fact, you are ALWAYS staring at me. It was funny at first, but now its really creepy. You look like you want to tickle me and then rape me. Now I have to do all my studying away from home. Thanks, creep-o.

East Lansing, MI

Tranny Protector

It may have been 2 AM and I may have been in a dress, but that does not give you, a gender unspecified human -- four times my size --the right to pull me into a bear hug as I passed by. You claimed to be protecting me from the guy hollering at me...at least I knew he was male.

Chicago, IL

Stoplight at LSD and Sheridan

You were staring at me every single time I checked my mirrors sitting at the stoplight. You didn't blink. Wtf?

Chicago, IL

Homework Helper

I thought you were trying to help me with my homework until I realized you kept coming over to get a better look down my shirt.

Chicago, IL

Guy by Porta-Potty

You look 40. Telling two college girls to kiss each other and then lingering close by mumbling 'That's hot' outside the porta-potty is unacceptable.

Iowa City, IA

Facebook Creep

You told me you beat off to someone on Facebook, then tried to play it off as a joke. That's not what social networking sites are for.

Guy Playing Basketball

Your nipples are so long you could use them to serve shish-kabobs. I'm nervous to play defense because they might stab my eye. Plus, we're not playing shirts and skins. Please cover your chest swords.

East Lansing, MI

Congrats on the Newborn

Don't show me a picture of your newborn cousin when I can still see your Aunt's legs spread eagle in the background.

Cincinnati, OH

Hospitality?

Thanks for letting me sleep on your bedroom floor. Except when I heard you and your girlfriend hooking up the entire time. What were those noises?

Denver, CO

MSU Porta-Potty

You kept offering to wipe for me while I was waiting in line for the bathroom. I seriously think you meant it.

East Lansing, MI

Bathroom Kid at the IC

What the fuck kind of sounds were you making in that stall? You sounded like Chewbacca getting a proctology exam.

Chicago, IL

Mother with Pigtails at Target

If you have a daughter that looks about 10, you are too old to wear pigtails. For your child's sake, dress more 'grown up', instead of looking like a schoolgirl with an accelerated aging disorder.


Amherst, NY

Whole Foods Creep

You followed me around the entire time.

Chicago, IL

Stare Down at Loyola Red Line

You were alone and sulking on the Loyola Red Line platform; looked like you crawled out of the "Thriller" video; and gave me the once over at least 3 times in a span of 2 minutes while I was waiting for the next train. It is so unnecessary to walk by me so many times. You are such a goddamn creep.

Chicago, IL

Cut Off at Heenans

The fact that you're 40 and in a college bar on a Saturday night is creepy enough. But your cut-off hoodie screams sexual assault. I think they have WWE on in the bar next door.

Elmwood Buffalo, NY

Drunk Girl at Rugby Party

It's cool that you are wasted and having fun, just don't sit on my lap. Those blisters you told me you got from falling asleep with a heating pad on your leg, left residue on my shorts. You're basically a walking infection.


Buffalo, NY

Mom on Web Cam

When I'm talking about having sex with you over web cam, I'm assuming your alone. I saw your Mom peer into your room TWICE while we were talking. Now you know why I just left.

San Francisco, CA

Gray Dance Pants

You had the biggest camel toe I have ever seen. Though slightly amusing, it would've helped if you weren't pushing 200.

Milwaukee, WI

Sunglasses Creep on Brown Line

FYI Your glasses are SEE THROUGH. You stared at that girl's tits the entire time you were on the train. Nice job, slick.

Chicago, IL

Pride Fest

Just because you're gay and celebrating your "pride" doesn't make it okay when you offer to suck my dick as I walk by. I have no choice witnessing this horrific orgy, so please don't spank me with a paddle as I walk by either. And god dammit wear something more than a thong.

Chicago, IL

Sick Kid at The Rockhouse

You won't stop rambling to me about all of your medical history at a bar. 1) I don't care. 2) Your body hates you more than I do.

Chicago, IL

Girl at Halas

Next time, you should shower before you come talk to me. You definitely had a chance until I smelled you before I even saw you. How does anyone even smell like a barnyard had sex with a fish market?

Chicago, IL

Ecstasy Creep

Stop telling me how good it feels to take ecstasy and have sex. No drug would ever make me have sex with you...ever.

Chicago, IL

Sweaty Guy at Sound Bar

I could feel drips of sweat going down MY back as you tried to come up behind me and dance. Now I hear music and think I'm going to flashback to that nightmare.

Chicago, IL

Creighton Bar Elder

You are 3 years post graduation. You have tried (and failed) at graduate school in TWO countries. So please stop going to the bar near campus and trying to pick up the girls. No one above 21 goes in there anyways, so it makes it even worse.

Omaha, NE

Kid in My Finance Class

You look like a tool when you lean back with your feet up on the desk. And that landing strip on your face doesn't make you look cool, it makes people gag.

Omaha, NE

Your Brother's Room

I know I blacked out last night because I usually remember going to sleep in a room full of various sized swords. I appreciate the hospitality too, but next time just leave me face down on the basement floor. Waking up hungover in a makeshift castle is terrifying.

Livonia, MI

Dad

Next time I tell you I'm bringing friends over for you to meet, please wear pants.

Boston, MA

Greg at The Cubbie Bear

No, I'm not on MySpace. And no, I won't become your friend on Facebook either.

Chicago, IL

Dude Next To Me in the Library

Why were you looking at little girl's dresses?

Chicago, IL

Brotherly Love

I know your whole family is good looking, but seriously, it's getting disgusting when you talk about your brother so much. You started blushing like a smitten little girl. Gross.

Cleveland, OH

Target Parking Lot

I saw you looking in my back window. I was in the front seat on the phone.

Troy, MI

Big Kid in Window

You were standing in your window in only your boxers and Timberland boots. And I'm fairly certain you were wearing your shirt on your head. Why?

Rome, Italy

Shorts on a Boat

Stop wearing athletic shorts without underwear when you go swimming. When you get out of the water everyone can see the outline of your dick because they're suctioned to your thigh. I'm telling you this for your sake, I swear.

Milwaukee, WI

Old Man at Jewel-Osco

Just because we're buying alcohol doesn't mean you should look at us and say, "oooh looks like you girls are fittin' to have a good night..." What does that even mean?

Chicago, IL

Yankess Fan Outside of Hamilton's Bar

You told me that you thought that Indian girls are the "new Asians" because we're elusive and white guys can't get any from us...what? Oh, and then you proceeded to tell me how much you really wanted to sleep with me. I hope you can still see my handprint on your face.

Chicago, IL

Pale Kid at the Gym

No, I don't need a spotter. Quit staring and nervously asking me when I catch you.

Los Angeles, CA

Guy on Lakeshore

When you're stuck in traffic and looking out the window at the girls running by, don't tilt your head down and peer over your sunglasses at them. Not only is that so creepy, but you look retarded doing it.

James from Macy's

You were a really cute salesman until you asked if I needed any help trying on my new bra in the dressing room. No thanks.

Chicago, IL

G.I. Jane

I always thought it was hot when girls wouldn't wear any underwear, but after today I have to drastically change my position. Next time all your underwear is dirty or your just feeling a little adventurous to go commando, make sure you don't have a hole in your crotch. Everyone saw your vag...EVERYONE.

Chicago, IL

A Creep's Lightbulb Moment

You know what app iPhone should get? A facial recognition software that when you take a pic with your phone of a hot girl in the library, it automatically detects her face and takes you to her Facebook page so you can creep on her more thoroughly on your own time.

Chicago, IL

Broken Jaw Kid at Hamilton's Bar

I really respect your courage for going out to the bar with your jaw wired shut, but next time refrain from attempting to yell at me to get your point across. I've been picking spittle and food chunks out of my hair for days.

Chicago, IL

Northwestern Tool

Quit polling your friends to see if your ass would look good in football pants. I just overheard you and I wanted to vomit.

Evanston, IL

Casual Fridays

I know you're proud of your chest hair, but you weigh 300 pounds and we can all see your nips. Button up the Hawaiian shirt, guy.

Livonia, MI

Niagara Falls Police Blotter

Your neighbors asked you nicely, then the cops told you nicely...so stop passing out candy and ice cream to the children in the community. You say its innocent, society says its creepy.

Niagara Falls, NY

40 Year Old at The Steer Bar

Your "I'd tap that." shirt makes everyone at the college bar uncomfortable. Toss on a flowered shirt and go play shuffle board.

Buffalo, NY

Older Couple At Fundraiser

I'm glad single, old people can find love still. But you're pushing 70, please take your hand out of his back pocket, we are at a fundraiser for handicapped children.

Buffalo, NY

Company Kickball Team

It's cool to slap ass with the guys after a good play, but I noticed I'm the only one on the co-ed team you do it to.

Buffalo, NY

Asian Pyro

I pretended to be interested in your stories about fencing club. I thought you were just a nerd until you told me you burnt down a science lab on purpose. What the fuck is wrong with you!

St. Louis, MO

MGMT Group Project

Before every time he opens his mouth, he licks his lips and looks at me. WTF?! Stop.

Chicago, IL

Church Hands

I HATE shaking hands at Church. No one's hands should ever be that sweaty.

Birmingham, MI

Elementary School Lauren

It's awesome you want to hook up with me after not seeing each other for so long, but stop talking about when we were in 2nd grade together. A little school girl is the last thing I want to think about right now. Way to kill the mood.

Chicago, IL

Next Door Neighbor

Every time I get out of the shower, you're always at your desk conveniently facing my bathroom. I just bought more new blinds, you sick fuck.

Chicago, IL

Douche at Enclave

When you're trying hit on me and end up asking for a good place to get your eyebrows threaded, that's when you should stop talking to me. No guy should get his eyebrows threaded, you douche.

Chicago, IL

Chicago Lazy Eye Girl

Nice try eye fucking me at the bar. It kinda loses its appeal when you have a lazy eye.

Chicago, IL

Lindsay Lohan Lovers

Stop arguing at the bar with your bros about who was hotter: Lindsay Lohan in "The Parent Trap" or that little girl from "Remember the Titans." They were like 6 at the time.

Chicago, IL

Guy in Elevator

I know the elevator was packed, but I could feel your dog breath on the back of my neck.

Chicago, IL

Red Line Morning Commuter

You "accidentally" covered my hand with yours as I was holding the pole to keep balance. There was so much more free space.

Chicago, IL

Girl at Church

In no way is it hot to close your eyes and sensually move your tongue around while receiving Communion at Church. That's just fucked up...but suprisingly, it kinda worked once I thought about it afterward.

B loomfield Hills, MI

O'Hagan's Dancer

You know how I know you're gay? You couldn't stop doing the splits while screaming "All I Want For Christmas Is You." Nice move doing the splits to get eye level with me too. As if that wasn't the creepiest thing I've ever been a part of.

Chicago, IL

Christie

I woke up in the middle of the night to you straddling my ass and giving me a back rub. Thank God I sleep on my stomach. And how the fuck did you get in my room anyways?

Rome, Italy

Ned

Dancing was fun until you licked my face. I never thought I'd weigh the pro's and con's of bleaching my cheek to feel clean again.

Rome, Italy

My Roommate

Nothing like walking into my roommate's bedroom to find handcuffs, condom wrappers, lube, a paddle, and a disposable camera.

Chicago, IL

Starbuck's Tool

I really thought you were a cute guy until you told me you liked Miley Cyrus. Now I have to find a new Starbucks to go to.

Chicago, IL

Drunk Fat Girl at Ian's

No, I do not want to eat my pizza off of your disgusting body. Way to ruin a perfectly good meal for me, Tubs.

Chicago, IL

Michigan Fan at Duffy's

Did you really tell me I have pleasant earlobes? Who the fuck says that?

Chicago, IL

30-something Creep on the 147

Put down the Victoria's Secret catalog when you're on a bus full of people. Even the way you were holding it screamed rape.

Chicago, IL

Guido Guy at The Central

FYI If you're trying to pick a girl up, don't tell her she looks like Michelle from Full House. That's not a fucking compliment. She was like 8.

Chicago, IL

Asian Kid on the Stairs

I was walking up the stairs with my head down and when I looked up you were staring right at my boobs. Creep.

Chicago, IL

New Roommate Ryan

I don't care that you webchat your girlfriend in Germany, but don't leave it on all the fucking time. I don't want my naked ass streaming across the Internet when I get out of the shower.

East Lansing, MI

Library Creeper

I can see you looking at pictures of me on Facebook as we speak. I'm on the other side of the room, and I don't even know you.

Chicago, IL

Girl at ATO

Did you just smell me? Wtf.

East Lansing, MI

Red Line Rider 8 AM Today

Seriously, what the fuck are you looking at?

Chicago, IL

Stan

Old man that lives below me. Drinks alone in the dark, and only comes out after he's polished off a bottle of Jack. Often seen meandering around Roscoe's late at night and has a strange obsession with overly painting things.

Chicago, IL

North Ave. Beach Homeless Man

Always sitting on the same bench wearing every piece of clothing he owns. It's sad, but honestly...take off the rapist sunglasses. It's never that sunny.

Chicago, IL