Eat Your Words

My waitress' ass cheeks were hanging out of her tiny shorts...of course I thought she did this on purpose to get more tips so I commented on it. She had no idea and I'm pretty sure my food tasted like spit.

Chicago, IL

Saturday Stroll

I could see my neighbor walking naked around his apartment. It's 3:15 on a Saturday afternoon. Why not walk around naked with the windows wide open on a nice sunny day?

Buena Park, IL

Bizarre Foods

I think my first mistake was going to Red Lobster hungover. But I would never expect the super old hostess say to me "oh you just touch the lobsters in tank. I just LOVE it when young people touch my lobsters." What does that even mean?

Skokie, IL

Who's The Boss

You're my manager. I don't want to hear about the insane times you have had in European brothels. Try not paying for sex sometime.

Chicago, IL

The Graduate

Working high school gradation parties are supposed to be fun, not a time for the father of the graduate to hit on his daughter's hot, jail bait friends. Keep that in mind, Mr. *******.

Chicago, IL

Hawaiian Five-0

I walked into the bathroom with a single light bulb flickering, a drunk Mexican worker zipping up his pants smiling at me, everything soaking wet, and as he passed by me he patted me on the shoulder saying "mahalo." I think that's Hawaiian for "rimjob."

Chicago, IL

Doctor's Orders

I knew it was bad when my doctor said I needed to lose weight, but when he told me I needed to get a girlfriend too, I felt like he kicked me while I was down. His reasoning: "you know, she'll make you a salad, take you on a walk, and if you're lucky, give you a good blowjob...there's no such thing as a bad blowjob, am I right?" Great advice, doc.

Farmington Hills, MI

What Nice Feet You Have

Dude on the subway came up to a girl I was with and said what beautiful feet she had. Before we could react, he leaned over and started stroking her feet and commenting on how he liked one better than the other.

Buffalo, New York

What. A. BRO!

My roommate was joking with me about having sex in my bed while I wasn't home. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I have had sex on both couches in the living room while he wasn't home more times than I can count.

St. Louis, MO

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

I was too drunk to even hear what she was saying, but it didn't make it any better when I intentionally told her that I wasn't listening to her but instead staring directly at her boobs.

Chicago, IL

Welp, See Ya Later

I tried not to creep on my manager tonight, but I did. After a few drinks I put my hand on the small of her back to tell her as I was leaving and she immediately grabbed it, moved it in front of her, and gave me the strongest handshake I've ever had in my life. Tomorrow won't be fun.

Royal Oak, MI

Honeymooner

I told you I was married so you kept asking me how my honeymoon was for a half hour and winked at me every time. I got the picture. Just shut the fuck up.

Chicago, IL

Jersey Bro

Never refer to yourself as "The Situation's Brother" ever again--you already look like a tool, naming yourself doesn't help.

Chicago, IL

Humpelstiltskin

There's nothing like trying to teach my dog how to hump especially when I realize my blinds are open and my neighbors are walking by watching me.

Chicago, IL

Young At Heart

My Grandpa asked me if I could buy him the SI Swimsuit edition because he said it made him "excited again." Of course, I had to.

Southgate, FL

Sneak A Peek

We only have one bathroom at work. I walked in on the secretary peeing because the door was cracked a little and I didn't think anyone was in there. I think we're both scarred for life.

Chicago, IL

Sippy Cup

My boss went down in our store basement and brought me back a cup of apple juice. He asked if I wanted any and when I said "no" he then proceeded to set it on my desk and told me to drink it because it had something special in it. I tried not to notice, but he called me out and made me take a sip--it supposedly was laced with mint, but I still don't trust that bastard.

Chicago, IL

Chat Roulette

My friend told me to check out the new website chat roulette which connects you with randoms through web cam. First person I meet was a a hairy penis. Second person I meet was a naked man, third person was an obese man trying to give himself oral.

Thank you Chatroulette.com for providing a place for all the people in The CreepBook a place to hang out in their free time.

Everywhere, World

ps to my friend that said the website was "awesome", put on some clothes and walk away from the web cam.

Red Rocket Roommate

I just walked into the room and saw my roommate trying to give our 8 week old puppy a red-rocket. He saw nothing wrong.

Chicago, IL

The Countdown Is On

You: "Dude, today is Dakota Fanning's sweet 16th. That's 2 more years of my graphic imagination."

Chicago, IL

Forrest Gump

We were watching Forrest Gump and you told me you wish you could find a man like Forrest because you have a 'thing' for slow guys.

Eden, New York

Snowman Lookin' For Love

Overheard on the L: "Man, I need to get me a girl to be my snow bunny so we can fuck like rabbits on these cold winter nights."

Chicago, IL

Shot Caller

I can always appreciate a guy buying me a shot. But just because it's a blow job shot doesn't mean I'm going to blow you. Nice try.

Chicago, IL

Textcapades

I know when you're wasted because you always text me the same thing: "heyyy :0 your open mouth =mmm mmm good"

Chicago, IL

Jailbait Friend

When talking about your little sister's hot friend:
You: "I would let her do terrible, terrible things to me."

She's 17, dude.

Greenwich, CT

Shopper Stare

I walked out of the dressing room and you were just staring at me. I couldn't find my friend so I walked back in until I thought you'd be gone. You weren't. Wtf?

Troy, MI

Higher Standards

I just found porn on my Dad's computer. Sadly, it's better than what I look at.

Cleveland Heights, OH

Salutations

Nice meeting you the other day. You walked in and introduced yourself by asking which one of us you were going to sleep with.

East Lansing, MI

Skin Tight

Your mom loved to comment on the speed skaters outfits. Especially about how she can see their dicks. Priceless.

Bloomfield Hills, MI

No Nips

You're so fat and gross. No, I don't want to see your nipple ring. I'll take your word for it and walk away from you.

Chicago, IL

Camel Toe Extraordinare

You watching the Olympics: "Dude, look at that camel toe...I could do some real damage to that thing." What?

Chicago, IL

Stop & Stare

I'm hoping you were just staring off into space, but when I looked up you were staring right at me. I kept looking up and you hadn't moved for what seemed like the longest minute of my life. I had to leave the library.

Birmingham, MI

Government Can't Tell You Who You Can Love

I overheard your conversation at the bar about limited government. After you came to an agreement about the government's role in abortion, you began discussing beastiality. You concluded that you both were pro-beastiality. My dog loves the park right around the corner, now I have to take him to the ghetto one further away, thanks.

Buffalo, NY

New Female Roommate

I'm apologize for commenting on your new brown colored bed set by exclaiming "Now no one will know when you do anal." I think I may have crossed the line.

Buffalo, NY

Snookie Lookin'

You tried running your fat sausage fingers through my hair and you looked like Snookie got hit by a bus. There's no way I'm ever going to buy you a drink.

Pontiac, MI

All The Single People

Guy at Enclave: "Baby, you know the only way you and I will be single tonight is when we get together and become one." You are the lamest greaseball on the planet.

Chicago, IL

Valentine's Day Friend

You sat next to me at the bar while I ordered a drink and offered to be my valentine. When I said no, you then just asked me if I wanted to fuck. Happy Valentine's Day to me.

Chicago, IL

Ass Man?

Thanks for walking behind me and only saying "heyy girrrrl, look at that ass" for 3 blocks. Of course I wasn't going to talk to you.

St. Louis, MO

Mardi Great

I love Mardi Gras. I can walk down the street saying "show me your titties!" and not have a care in the world.

St. Louis, MO

Bad, Bad Thoughts

You: "Do you ever wonder what happened the night your Mom and Dad made you?"

Never. Jesus. So wrong.

Chicago, IL

Asleep on the L

You fell asleep and drooled on yourself. I watched the whole thing starting from when you opened your mouth to when you woke up waking the spit off. I feel so worthless having nothing else to do but watch a random person drool on themselves.

Chicago, IL

Tool At Big City Tap

Seriously? A quote from 'American Pie'? You: "They call me 'Nova...as in Casanova..." I'm beyond words.

Chicago, IL

Just Plain Awkward

I walked in on your Dad peeing. He was sitting down.

Aurora, IL

A Case of the Monday's

The lesbian at my office just came up behind me and started giving me shoulder massage because she said I was looking "too tense for a Monday."

Rochester Hills, MI

Lovin' The Smell

The bathroom attendant to me: "Man, I wish I could be in the ladies' room instead. There be lookin' at some fine ass tail in here tonight. I don't even care about if they take a doo-doo and stink up the place. It'd be fine ass hell for me." You can't even make that shit up.

Chicago, IL

Super Boned Up

I love walking into the room and hearing you say: "I just want to go in the locker room to see all their dicks." Happy Super Bowl Sunday.

Chicago, IL

Sniff Test

He smelled me and I knew it. I couldn't turn around though because then I had to face him once again.

Royal Oak, MI

Old Man at Uncle Dan's

Stop caressing my shoulder. I just want a new coat and you smell like a car wash.

Chicago, IL

Cock Blocked

I heard you talking about the new intern. About how you can't wait to get yourself "up in her." I just told her to be careful around you because you sleep around and possibly have an STD. I know I made it up, but I still think it's funny. HAAA!

St. Louis, MO

"Joey Greco Is My Uncle"

Words of wisdom next time you're at a bar: don't try to pick me up by talking about "Cheaters." I'm supposed to be impressed your uncle is the host? Nice try.

Toledo, OH

Woof. Whoops.

You bent down to pet my dog. Sorry for immediately looking at your thong. I know you caught me. Awkward.

Chicago, IL

Danglin' The Dice

I think I could see the "woman" sitting across from me's balls hanging out of "her" skirt. It was like a car wreck, and I couldn't look away. I hate the L.

Chicago, IL

No More Blue Balls

I could hear my roommate beating off from one floor below him. I had to avoid him for 2 days straight after.

Bowling Green, OH

Rubber Roommate

My roommate loves rubbing our dog's balls thinking it's funny. Even the dog knows it's fucked up.

Chicago, IL

Just Weird

We were talking about football and you immediately started talking about quarterbacks rubbing the center's balls when they bend down to hike the ball. Stop talking and leave.

Chicago, IL

The Sniffer

I walked into my room and you were smelling my socks. You thought they were yours? Yeah, bullshit.

Chicago, IL

Oh-No

I wished my cab driver a "Happy Oh-Ten." His response: Yeah, for my Oh-Face.

Chicago, IL

Pierce Out

No, I don't want to see your other piercings. I don't want to see the ones I'm looking at now.

Brooklyn, NY

Peeping Me

I saw my neighbor walking around naked in his garden apartment. He wasn't even trying to hide the fact that he doesn't have blinds either...so I hid behind the cars and walked by a few times.

Chicago, IL

Saved By the Wal

A homeless man followed me for a block just going "he he he he he." I had to run into Walgreen's for 10 minutes just to make sure he wasn't going to be there when I left.

Chicago, IL

Bret Michaels Wanna-Be

Great pick-up line, bro: "You ever seen 'Daisy of Love'? Yeah, my buddy was on that." Hearing you try so hard was the highlight of my commute.

Chicago, IL

Babysitter's Club

Just because you knew me when we were little doesn't mean we're friends now. Plus, when my little sister came up to us you said "Oooh and who might this be?" You babysat for us.

Pittsburgh, PA

Garbage Breath

It's a week past Christmas--you found part of a wreath in the garbage outside and said it was mistletoe to try and kiss me.

West Lafayette, IN

Happy New Year?

You whispered "Happy New Year" in my ear and tried to kiss me. Who the fuck are you?

Chicago, IL

Don't Pinch Me

You came up behind me and started playfully pinching my hips while you tried to dance up behind me. When I pushed you off because you couldn't take a hint, you did the exact same thing to my friend standing directly next to me.

Chicago, IL

New Year, New SVU

I asked a rhetorical question about whether or not a crime committed in 2009 would fall under the statute of limitations in 2010. You announced to a large amount of people at the party that you could rape any girl at the party and get away with it when the clock struck midnight. Thanks you pretty much ruined anyone's chances of hooking up tonight.

Buffalo, NY