Eat Your Words

My waitress' ass cheeks were hanging out of her tiny shorts...of course I thought she did this on purpose to get more tips so I commented on it. She had no idea and I'm pretty sure my food tasted like spit.

Chicago, IL

Saturday Stroll

I could see my neighbor walking naked around his apartment. It's 3:15 on a Saturday afternoon. Why not walk around naked with the windows wide open on a nice sunny day?

Buena Park, IL

Bizarre Foods

I think my first mistake was going to Red Lobster hungover. But I would never expect the super old hostess say to me "oh you just touch the lobsters in tank. I just LOVE it when young people touch my lobsters." What does that even mean?

Skokie, IL

Who's The Boss

You're my manager. I don't want to hear about the insane times you have had in European brothels. Try not paying for sex sometime.

Chicago, IL

The Graduate

Working high school gradation parties are supposed to be fun, not a time for the father of the graduate to hit on his daughter's hot, jail bait friends. Keep that in mind, Mr. *******.

Chicago, IL

Hawaiian Five-0

I walked into the bathroom with a single light bulb flickering, a drunk Mexican worker zipping up his pants smiling at me, everything soaking wet, and as he passed by me he patted me on the shoulder saying "mahalo." I think that's Hawaiian for "rimjob."

Chicago, IL

Doctor's Orders

I knew it was bad when my doctor said I needed to lose weight, but when he told me I needed to get a girlfriend too, I felt like he kicked me while I was down. His reasoning: "you know, she'll make you a salad, take you on a walk, and if you're lucky, give you a good blowjob...there's no such thing as a bad blowjob, am I right?" Great advice, doc.

Farmington Hills, MI

What Nice Feet You Have

Dude on the subway came up to a girl I was with and said what beautiful feet she had. Before we could react, he leaned over and started stroking her feet and commenting on how he liked one better than the other.

Buffalo, New York

What. A. BRO!

My roommate was joking with me about having sex in my bed while I wasn't home. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I have had sex on both couches in the living room while he wasn't home more times than I can count.

St. Louis, MO