Red Rocket Roommate

I just walked into the room and saw my roommate trying to give our 8 week old puppy a red-rocket. He saw nothing wrong.

Chicago, IL

The Countdown Is On

You: "Dude, today is Dakota Fanning's sweet 16th. That's 2 more years of my graphic imagination."

Chicago, IL

Forrest Gump

We were watching Forrest Gump and you told me you wish you could find a man like Forrest because you have a 'thing' for slow guys.

Eden, New York

Snowman Lookin' For Love

Overheard on the L: "Man, I need to get me a girl to be my snow bunny so we can fuck like rabbits on these cold winter nights."

Chicago, IL

Shot Caller

I can always appreciate a guy buying me a shot. But just because it's a blow job shot doesn't mean I'm going to blow you. Nice try.

Chicago, IL

Textcapades

I know when you're wasted because you always text me the same thing: "heyyy :0 your open mouth =mmm mmm good"

Chicago, IL

Jailbait Friend

When talking about your little sister's hot friend:
You: "I would let her do terrible, terrible things to me."

She's 17, dude.

Greenwich, CT

Shopper Stare

I walked out of the dressing room and you were just staring at me. I couldn't find my friend so I walked back in until I thought you'd be gone. You weren't. Wtf?

Troy, MI

Higher Standards

I just found porn on my Dad's computer. Sadly, it's better than what I look at.

Cleveland Heights, OH

Salutations

Nice meeting you the other day. You walked in and introduced yourself by asking which one of us you were going to sleep with.

East Lansing, MI

Skin Tight

Your mom loved to comment on the speed skaters outfits. Especially about how she can see their dicks. Priceless.

Bloomfield Hills, MI

No Nips

You're so fat and gross. No, I don't want to see your nipple ring. I'll take your word for it and walk away from you.

Chicago, IL

Camel Toe Extraordinare

You watching the Olympics: "Dude, look at that camel toe...I could do some real damage to that thing." What?

Chicago, IL

Stop & Stare

I'm hoping you were just staring off into space, but when I looked up you were staring right at me. I kept looking up and you hadn't moved for what seemed like the longest minute of my life. I had to leave the library.

Birmingham, MI

Government Can't Tell You Who You Can Love

I overheard your conversation at the bar about limited government. After you came to an agreement about the government's role in abortion, you began discussing beastiality. You concluded that you both were pro-beastiality. My dog loves the park right around the corner, now I have to take him to the ghetto one further away, thanks.

Buffalo, NY

New Female Roommate

I'm apologize for commenting on your new brown colored bed set by exclaiming "Now no one will know when you do anal." I think I may have crossed the line.

Buffalo, NY

Snookie Lookin'

You tried running your fat sausage fingers through my hair and you looked like Snookie got hit by a bus. There's no way I'm ever going to buy you a drink.

Pontiac, MI

All The Single People

Guy at Enclave: "Baby, you know the only way you and I will be single tonight is when we get together and become one." You are the lamest greaseball on the planet.

Chicago, IL

Valentine's Day Friend

You sat next to me at the bar while I ordered a drink and offered to be my valentine. When I said no, you then just asked me if I wanted to fuck. Happy Valentine's Day to me.

Chicago, IL

Ass Man?

Thanks for walking behind me and only saying "heyy girrrrl, look at that ass" for 3 blocks. Of course I wasn't going to talk to you.

St. Louis, MO

Mardi Great

I love Mardi Gras. I can walk down the street saying "show me your titties!" and not have a care in the world.

St. Louis, MO

Bad, Bad Thoughts

You: "Do you ever wonder what happened the night your Mom and Dad made you?"

Never. Jesus. So wrong.

Chicago, IL

Asleep on the L

You fell asleep and drooled on yourself. I watched the whole thing starting from when you opened your mouth to when you woke up waking the spit off. I feel so worthless having nothing else to do but watch a random person drool on themselves.

Chicago, IL

Tool At Big City Tap

Seriously? A quote from 'American Pie'? You: "They call me 'Nova...as in Casanova..." I'm beyond words.

Chicago, IL

Just Plain Awkward

I walked in on your Dad peeing. He was sitting down.

Aurora, IL

A Case of the Monday's

The lesbian at my office just came up behind me and started giving me shoulder massage because she said I was looking "too tense for a Monday."

Rochester Hills, MI

Lovin' The Smell

The bathroom attendant to me: "Man, I wish I could be in the ladies' room instead. There be lookin' at some fine ass tail in here tonight. I don't even care about if they take a doo-doo and stink up the place. It'd be fine ass hell for me." You can't even make that shit up.

Chicago, IL

Super Boned Up

I love walking into the room and hearing you say: "I just want to go in the locker room to see all their dicks." Happy Super Bowl Sunday.

Chicago, IL

Sniff Test

He smelled me and I knew it. I couldn't turn around though because then I had to face him once again.

Royal Oak, MI

Old Man at Uncle Dan's

Stop caressing my shoulder. I just want a new coat and you smell like a car wash.

Chicago, IL

Cock Blocked

I heard you talking about the new intern. About how you can't wait to get yourself "up in her." I just told her to be careful around you because you sleep around and possibly have an STD. I know I made it up, but I still think it's funny. HAAA!

St. Louis, MO

"Joey Greco Is My Uncle"

Words of wisdom next time you're at a bar: don't try to pick me up by talking about "Cheaters." I'm supposed to be impressed your uncle is the host? Nice try.

Toledo, OH

Woof. Whoops.

You bent down to pet my dog. Sorry for immediately looking at your thong. I know you caught me. Awkward.

Chicago, IL