Bathroom Kid at the IC

What the fuck kind of sounds were you making in that stall? You sounded like Chewbacca getting a proctology exam.

Chicago, IL

Mother with Pigtails at Target

If you have a daughter that looks about 10, you are too old to wear pigtails. For your child's sake, dress more 'grown up', instead of looking like a schoolgirl with an accelerated aging disorder.


Amherst, NY

Whole Foods Creep

You followed me around the entire time.

Chicago, IL

Stare Down at Loyola Red Line

You were alone and sulking on the Loyola Red Line platform; looked like you crawled out of the "Thriller" video; and gave me the once over at least 3 times in a span of 2 minutes while I was waiting for the next train. It is so unnecessary to walk by me so many times. You are such a goddamn creep.

Chicago, IL

Cut Off at Heenans

The fact that you're 40 and in a college bar on a Saturday night is creepy enough. But your cut-off hoodie screams sexual assault. I think they have WWE on in the bar next door.

Elmwood Buffalo, NY

Drunk Girl at Rugby Party

It's cool that you are wasted and having fun, just don't sit on my lap. Those blisters you told me you got from falling asleep with a heating pad on your leg, left residue on my shorts. You're basically a walking infection.


Buffalo, NY

Mom on Web Cam

When I'm talking about having sex with you over web cam, I'm assuming your alone. I saw your Mom peer into your room TWICE while we were talking. Now you know why I just left.

San Francisco, CA

Gray Dance Pants

You had the biggest camel toe I have ever seen. Though slightly amusing, it would've helped if you weren't pushing 200.

Milwaukee, WI

Sunglasses Creep on Brown Line

FYI Your glasses are SEE THROUGH. You stared at that girl's tits the entire time you were on the train. Nice job, slick.

Chicago, IL

Pride Fest

Just because you're gay and celebrating your "pride" doesn't make it okay when you offer to suck my dick as I walk by. I have no choice witnessing this horrific orgy, so please don't spank me with a paddle as I walk by either. And god dammit wear something more than a thong.

Chicago, IL

Sick Kid at The Rockhouse

You won't stop rambling to me about all of your medical history at a bar. 1) I don't care. 2) Your body hates you more than I do.

Chicago, IL

Girl at Halas

Next time, you should shower before you come talk to me. You definitely had a chance until I smelled you before I even saw you. How does anyone even smell like a barnyard had sex with a fish market?

Chicago, IL

Ecstasy Creep

Stop telling me how good it feels to take ecstasy and have sex. No drug would ever make me have sex with you...ever.

Chicago, IL

Sweaty Guy at Sound Bar

I could feel drips of sweat going down MY back as you tried to come up behind me and dance. Now I hear music and think I'm going to flashback to that nightmare.

Chicago, IL

Creighton Bar Elder

You are 3 years post graduation. You have tried (and failed) at graduate school in TWO countries. So please stop going to the bar near campus and trying to pick up the girls. No one above 21 goes in there anyways, so it makes it even worse.

Omaha, NE

Kid in My Finance Class

You look like a tool when you lean back with your feet up on the desk. And that landing strip on your face doesn't make you look cool, it makes people gag.

Omaha, NE

Your Brother's Room

I know I blacked out last night because I usually remember going to sleep in a room full of various sized swords. I appreciate the hospitality too, but next time just leave me face down on the basement floor. Waking up hungover in a makeshift castle is terrifying.

Livonia, MI

Dad

Next time I tell you I'm bringing friends over for you to meet, please wear pants.

Boston, MA

Greg at The Cubbie Bear

No, I'm not on MySpace. And no, I won't become your friend on Facebook either.

Chicago, IL

Dude Next To Me in the Library

Why were you looking at little girl's dresses?

Chicago, IL

Brotherly Love

I know your whole family is good looking, but seriously, it's getting disgusting when you talk about your brother so much. You started blushing like a smitten little girl. Gross.

Cleveland, OH

Target Parking Lot

I saw you looking in my back window. I was in the front seat on the phone.

Troy, MI

Big Kid in Window

You were standing in your window in only your boxers and Timberland boots. And I'm fairly certain you were wearing your shirt on your head. Why?

Rome, Italy

Shorts on a Boat

Stop wearing athletic shorts without underwear when you go swimming. When you get out of the water everyone can see the outline of your dick because they're suctioned to your thigh. I'm telling you this for your sake, I swear.

Milwaukee, WI

Old Man at Jewel-Osco

Just because we're buying alcohol doesn't mean you should look at us and say, "oooh looks like you girls are fittin' to have a good night..." What does that even mean?

Chicago, IL

Yankess Fan Outside of Hamilton's Bar

You told me that you thought that Indian girls are the "new Asians" because we're elusive and white guys can't get any from us...what? Oh, and then you proceeded to tell me how much you really wanted to sleep with me. I hope you can still see my handprint on your face.

Chicago, IL

Pale Kid at the Gym

No, I don't need a spotter. Quit staring and nervously asking me when I catch you.

Los Angeles, CA

Guy on Lakeshore

When you're stuck in traffic and looking out the window at the girls running by, don't tilt your head down and peer over your sunglasses at them. Not only is that so creepy, but you look retarded doing it.

James from Macy's

You were a really cute salesman until you asked if I needed any help trying on my new bra in the dressing room. No thanks.

Chicago, IL

G.I. Jane

I always thought it was hot when girls wouldn't wear any underwear, but after today I have to drastically change my position. Next time all your underwear is dirty or your just feeling a little adventurous to go commando, make sure you don't have a hole in your crotch. Everyone saw your vag...EVERYONE.

Chicago, IL

A Creep's Lightbulb Moment

You know what app iPhone should get? A facial recognition software that when you take a pic with your phone of a hot girl in the library, it automatically detects her face and takes you to her Facebook page so you can creep on her more thoroughly on your own time.

Chicago, IL

Broken Jaw Kid at Hamilton's Bar

I really respect your courage for going out to the bar with your jaw wired shut, but next time refrain from attempting to yell at me to get your point across. I've been picking spittle and food chunks out of my hair for days.

Chicago, IL

Northwestern Tool

Quit polling your friends to see if your ass would look good in football pants. I just overheard you and I wanted to vomit.

Evanston, IL

Casual Fridays

I know you're proud of your chest hair, but you weigh 300 pounds and we can all see your nips. Button up the Hawaiian shirt, guy.

Livonia, MI

Niagara Falls Police Blotter

Your neighbors asked you nicely, then the cops told you nicely...so stop passing out candy and ice cream to the children in the community. You say its innocent, society says its creepy.

Niagara Falls, NY

40 Year Old at The Steer Bar

Your "I'd tap that." shirt makes everyone at the college bar uncomfortable. Toss on a flowered shirt and go play shuffle board.

Buffalo, NY

Older Couple At Fundraiser

I'm glad single, old people can find love still. But you're pushing 70, please take your hand out of his back pocket, we are at a fundraiser for handicapped children.

Buffalo, NY

Company Kickball Team

It's cool to slap ass with the guys after a good play, but I noticed I'm the only one on the co-ed team you do it to.

Buffalo, NY

Asian Pyro

I pretended to be interested in your stories about fencing club. I thought you were just a nerd until you told me you burnt down a science lab on purpose. What the fuck is wrong with you!

St. Louis, MO

MGMT Group Project

Before every time he opens his mouth, he licks his lips and looks at me. WTF?! Stop.

Chicago, IL

Church Hands

I HATE shaking hands at Church. No one's hands should ever be that sweaty.

Birmingham, MI

Elementary School Lauren

It's awesome you want to hook up with me after not seeing each other for so long, but stop talking about when we were in 2nd grade together. A little school girl is the last thing I want to think about right now. Way to kill the mood.

Chicago, IL

Next Door Neighbor

Every time I get out of the shower, you're always at your desk conveniently facing my bathroom. I just bought more new blinds, you sick fuck.

Chicago, IL

Douche at Enclave

When you're trying hit on me and end up asking for a good place to get your eyebrows threaded, that's when you should stop talking to me. No guy should get his eyebrows threaded, you douche.

Chicago, IL

Chicago Lazy Eye Girl

Nice try eye fucking me at the bar. It kinda loses its appeal when you have a lazy eye.

Chicago, IL

Lindsay Lohan Lovers

Stop arguing at the bar with your bros about who was hotter: Lindsay Lohan in "The Parent Trap" or that little girl from "Remember the Titans." They were like 6 at the time.

Chicago, IL

Guy in Elevator

I know the elevator was packed, but I could feel your dog breath on the back of my neck.

Chicago, IL

Red Line Morning Commuter

You "accidentally" covered my hand with yours as I was holding the pole to keep balance. There was so much more free space.

Chicago, IL

Girl at Church

In no way is it hot to close your eyes and sensually move your tongue around while receiving Communion at Church. That's just fucked up...but suprisingly, it kinda worked once I thought about it afterward.

B loomfield Hills, MI

O'Hagan's Dancer

You know how I know you're gay? You couldn't stop doing the splits while screaming "All I Want For Christmas Is You." Nice move doing the splits to get eye level with me too. As if that wasn't the creepiest thing I've ever been a part of.

Chicago, IL

Christie

I woke up in the middle of the night to you straddling my ass and giving me a back rub. Thank God I sleep on my stomach. And how the fuck did you get in my room anyways?

Rome, Italy

Ned

Dancing was fun until you licked my face. I never thought I'd weigh the pro's and con's of bleaching my cheek to feel clean again.

Rome, Italy

My Roommate

Nothing like walking into my roommate's bedroom to find handcuffs, condom wrappers, lube, a paddle, and a disposable camera.

Chicago, IL

Starbuck's Tool

I really thought you were a cute guy until you told me you liked Miley Cyrus. Now I have to find a new Starbucks to go to.

Chicago, IL

Drunk Fat Girl at Ian's

No, I do not want to eat my pizza off of your disgusting body. Way to ruin a perfectly good meal for me, Tubs.

Chicago, IL

Michigan Fan at Duffy's

Did you really tell me I have pleasant earlobes? Who the fuck says that?

Chicago, IL

30-something Creep on the 147

Put down the Victoria's Secret catalog when you're on a bus full of people. Even the way you were holding it screamed rape.

Chicago, IL

Guido Guy at The Central

FYI If you're trying to pick a girl up, don't tell her she looks like Michelle from Full House. That's not a fucking compliment. She was like 8.

Chicago, IL

Asian Kid on the Stairs

I was walking up the stairs with my head down and when I looked up you were staring right at my boobs. Creep.

Chicago, IL

New Roommate Ryan

I don't care that you webchat your girlfriend in Germany, but don't leave it on all the fucking time. I don't want my naked ass streaming across the Internet when I get out of the shower.

East Lansing, MI

Library Creeper

I can see you looking at pictures of me on Facebook as we speak. I'm on the other side of the room, and I don't even know you.

Chicago, IL

Girl at ATO

Did you just smell me? Wtf.

East Lansing, MI

Red Line Rider 8 AM Today

Seriously, what the fuck are you looking at?

Chicago, IL

Stan

Old man that lives below me. Drinks alone in the dark, and only comes out after he's polished off a bottle of Jack. Often seen meandering around Roscoe's late at night and has a strange obsession with overly painting things.

Chicago, IL

North Ave. Beach Homeless Man

Always sitting on the same bench wearing every piece of clothing he owns. It's sad, but honestly...take off the rapist sunglasses. It's never that sunny.

Chicago, IL