Hawaiian Five-0

I walked into the bathroom with a single light bulb flickering, a drunk Mexican worker zipping up his pants smiling at me, everything soaking wet, and as he passed by me he patted me on the shoulder saying "mahalo." I think that's Hawaiian for "rimjob."

Chicago, IL

Doctor's Orders

I knew it was bad when my doctor said I needed to lose weight, but when he told me I needed to get a girlfriend too, I felt like he kicked me while I was down. His reasoning: "you know, she'll make you a salad, take you on a walk, and if you're lucky, give you a good blowjob...there's no such thing as a bad blowjob, am I right?" Great advice, doc.

Farmington Hills, MI

Honeymooner

I told you I was married so you kept asking me how my honeymoon was for a half hour and winked at me every time. I got the picture. Just shut the fuck up.

Chicago, IL

Lovin' The Smell

The bathroom attendant to me: "Man, I wish I could be in the ladies' room instead. There be lookin' at some fine ass tail in here tonight. I don't even care about if they take a doo-doo and stink up the place. It'd be fine ass hell for me." You can't even make that shit up.

Chicago, IL

Waffle House Creep

First of all, you're a middle aged man at waffle house at 3am...alone. Then, you tried to get my attention while I was paying by saying "come on baby." Come on what? And don't think I didn't see you lick the edge of that A1 steak sauce bottle, recap it, and put it back on the table like nothing happened. Other people use that too, ya know. Who orders a steak at waffle house anyways? It's called waffle house for a reason, creep.

Atlanta, GA

Pen Sniffer

You didn't know I came into the room, so I creeped on you as a joke. But really it ended up being me watching you put a pen into your mouth repeatedly and then smelling it after. When I asked you what the hell you were doing you just said "smelling a pen" as if I was insane for even asking. I'll be getting you a giant pack of pens for Christmas so you can smell them for days.

Mesick, MI

Shoe Starer

I was in the bathroom stall and you were in the one next to me. No words need to be said...ever. But seeing as you must be some shoe fashionista, you said to me, "so uhhh, where'd you get those shoes? I've been looking at them the whole time I've been in here."

Chicago, IL

Weird Thoughts

It was so creepy that you suggested we start a website about how big our friend's penis is. And yet, I told you I'm down.

Mesick, MI

Curry Boy

You went up to all my friends and I and told us that we have curry pudding in our pants because we're Indian. What the fuck does that even mean?

Chicago, IL

Loud Breather

During the test, all I could hear was your inhumane heavy breathing. You know it's bad when our teacher even asks you to breathe softer because you're ruining everyone's concentration. Get that shit checked out.

Chicago, IL

You Must Be New Here

I didn't want to hook up with you so I told you I had to quickly do something in my room first. I locked the door, fell asleep, and forgot about you. You sat on my couch texting me for 4 hours. How did it possibly take you that long to get the hint I wasn't coming back?

Chicago, IL

Jamaican Bobsled Team

You told me you were going to be a Jamaican bobsled team member for Halloween. I immediately asked if you had actually had a bobsled and then if I could take a ride on your bobsled. I'm sorry that came out way too quickly. I don't even know what that means.

Chicago, IL

Evan

I've walked in to find you upstairs with the TV off and you sitting peering out the window. I don't know how long it took you to realize I was standing there watching you gaze into the street below, but you didn't say a word to me until I left the room and came back in. How often do you just sit...and stare?

Chicago, IL

Dolly

We were simply trying to get a case of beer to drink on a lovely Sunday afternoon when you approached us if we knew how to make a "Salty Dog" in the grocery store. No one knew what the fuck you were talking about, yet you then proceeded to tell us how to make it while adding various remarks about your failed marriages and how your husband ran off with his little "tricky." What the hell kind of people are breeding in Omaha? And no, I don't want to come to the bar in your basement to drink my beer.

Omaha, NE

Niagara Falls Police Blotter

Your neighbors asked you nicely, then the cops told you nicely...so stop passing out candy and ice cream to the children in the community. You say its innocent, society says its creepy.

Niagara Falls, NY

Asian Pyro

I pretended to be interested in your stories about fencing club. I thought you were just a nerd until you told me you burnt down a science lab on purpose. What the fuck is wrong with you!

St. Louis, MO

Christie

I woke up in the middle of the night to you straddling my ass and giving me a back rub. Thank God I sleep on my stomach. And how the fuck did you get in my room anyways?

Rome, Italy